Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Wasteful are those who sleep alone on a bed made for two.

   I like walking in wally world an catching someone staring at me..I turn real quick and stare right back at them with my big eyes and when they look away I yell (I WIN) and high Five myself!!!!

   Whenever I check into a hotel with my girlfriend, I check the one with a beauitiful ceiling because we like taking turns as to who stares at the ceiling.

   Broke folks should wear leggings, What the hell you need pockets for?

   Why are rat traps in the car-care section of this Walmart supermarket? Plenty to catch if they set it at the front of the store..

   ..... Hmmmm ...... Whay are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?

   If a Chinese person is giving you driving directions, does he say "Turn right at the chopsticks in the road."?

   "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Oops, I'm now sitting at my work's disciplinary meeting dressed as the Easter Bunny.

   My goal in 2016 is to show my fellow Trump supporters who aren't single how awesome being single is.

   If the Pope can take in a couple of lesbos, I should be allowed to too.

   My son asked me what's "Chillaxing"? "That's what Eskimos do.... they set around their igloo's taking laxatives for fun" I explained.

   In the spirit of the season Miley Cyrus has announced her plans for a television special where she will twerk to all of Bing Crosby’s holiday classics. NOW it feels like Christmas!!!

   2014 is so close I can almost taste the lips I will not be kissing on New Year's Eve

   I will try anything once, but I won't try that. Meatloaf at a salad bar, probably.

   since New Years is on a hump day (Wednesday) maybe this will be the year I get a lo of humping

   It's so cold you'd rather listen to Bieber than walk outside

   2 hours ago · WOW... I think Easter is getting here earlier and earlier....apparently I missed Justin Bieber's neighborhood egg hunt.

   Sorry but I need a moment to myself guys. The girl I have been stalking but too chicken sh*t to ask out has just changed her relationship status to "in a relationship"

   You can't hang around trifling people, you will begin to think it's normal if you have nothing else to compare it to

   "What is an alcoholic Candadian woman with no talent, Alex"