Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll bet Rosa Parks could really kick ass at Musical Chairs.

   Its a man's responsibility to feed his wife because the last time the woman fed the man ........we all got chased out of the garden of Eden!

   Alternative Fact: You can't get pregnant on Spring Break. Summer is the only time you can get pregnant.

   Florida and Texas send out a zombie alert to residents.

   This economy has made me so poor, when I heard of the last supper, I thought I was running out of food stamps.

   A study has shown that if you put lard on your head every day you will grradually grow taller. Crisco does not have the same effect because it's shortening.

   Imagine you in heaven eatin' yo daily bread and the devil walks by with Popeyes.

   Why are rat traps in the car-care section of this Walmart supermarket? Plenty to catch if they set it at the front of the store..

   ..... Hmmmm ...... Whay are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?

   If a Chinese person is giving you driving directions, does he say "Turn right at the chopsticks in the road."?

   "Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." Oops, I'm now sitting at my work's disciplinary meeting dressed as the Easter Bunny.

   My goal in 2016 is to show my fellow Trump supporters who aren't single how awesome being single is.

   If the Pope can take in a couple of lesbos, I should be allowed to too.

   My son asked me what's "Chillaxing"? "That's what Eskimos do.... they set around their igloo's taking laxatives for fun" I explained.

   it's funny how that guy gives us Americans enough credit to know who Nina Davuluri is.

   Everybody's talking about IOS 7..What is it?.. I Still Own windows 7

   Wasteful are those who sleep alone on a bed made for two.

   I like walking in wally world an catching someone staring at me..I turn real quick and stare right back at them with my big eyes and when they look away I yell (I WIN) and high Five myself!!!!

   Whenever I check into a hotel with my girlfriend, I check the one with a beauitiful ceiling because we like taking turns as to who stares at the ceiling.

   Broke folks should wear leggings, What the hell you need pockets for?