Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   it after the first or the second rejection that I should start questioning a woman's sexual orientation?

   I think I've just convinced my 85yr old neighbor to hop on one leg across her patio railing at 5pm if you guys are interested.........

   There is NO WAY I could ever be an organ donor. I would, however, consider giving away my drum set.

   Never turn your back on a bear, man you have wronged, or a dominant turkey during mating season

   i often wonder why alice cooper never stared in a horror movie

   Every rule has an exception, especially this one.

   When I meet girls at the bar, I always tell them I'm Monogamous. John Monogamous, the Greek God of wild sex.

   if niky minaj gained 300lbs she would look exactly like my wife

   This dude in my neighborhood was laughing at my car. I couldn't take him seriously cause he was riding a ripstick.

   asked my sister inlaw were is my nephew she says my brothers nutsack. lol

   having some beef tongue tacos. its like french kissing a cow... Yum!!

   gonna surprise my husband by buyin a wig, thats right, my landing strip is now red..

   Do NOT take your kids to the dog and pony show in Amsterdam.

   Respect my inbox. Keep your drama out of my inbox.

   Every day you are seen is better than the day you are viewed.

   I have a thing for girls who have a thing for guys with a thing.

   The House of Representatives should be replaced with a mix of carnies, some Wayans, a few Pilates teachers, & the Oakland A's.

   I cut my foot and its turning black now, thanks to Mr. Deeds I know this is gonna be cool. If not, I'll go see Dr. Pepper

   Kiss me, I'm not Irish I just want the kisses.

   Maybe that's why Jada left Will...I think she knows Pac is comin' back