Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I woke up from a deep sleep to find my very despised ex girlfriend standing at the foot of my bed...she was naked and holding a 12 pack of beer in one hand and a large pizza in the other hand...this works for me.

   Men are complicated creatures. Some admire the buttocks, others prefer breasts and a select few pt for the d*ck.

   JAMES ON FACEBOOK: The fact that your girlfriend lets you have sex with her isn't enough reason for you to hold her handbag.

   this girl I'm seeing hates when I stalk her,well I'm not actually dating her yet.

   Some guys also play hard to get. Only in their case, it means they are gay.

   no wonder it took Wentworth Miller 5 yeats to perfect a perfect Prison Break...

   Boys don't make passes at girls with flat asses, pass it on.

   Official Football helmet on Captain Video!

   just a thought...if you are a wanted criminal and your picture is all over the internet......an internet cafe is probably not the best place to hang out in.....

   it after the first or the second rejection that I should start questioning a woman's sexual orientation?

   I think I've just convinced my 85yr old neighbor to hop on one leg across her patio railing at 5pm if you guys are interested.........

   There is NO WAY I could ever be an organ donor. I would, however, consider giving away my drum set.

   Never turn your back on a bear, man you have wronged, or a dominant turkey during mating season

   i often wonder why alice cooper never stared in a horror movie

   Every rule has an exception, especially this one.

   When I meet girls at the bar, I always tell them I'm Monogamous. John Monogamous, the Greek God of wild sex.

   if niky minaj gained 300lbs she would look exactly like my wife

   This dude in my neighborhood was laughing at my car. I couldn't take him seriously cause he was riding a ripstick.

   asked my sister inlaw were is my nephew she says my brothers nutsack. lol

   having some beef tongue tacos. its like french kissing a cow... Yum!!