Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just dropped and cracked my iPhone. Obviously that's a sign that God wants me to upgrade.

   Bud, try using a tampon to keep those pathetic "missing you" emotions from flowing out of your mangina

   My is coffee is broken. I added red bull and a five hour energy shot. I can now hear what my hair is thinking.

   you always know who's not from NY when they are dressed like Eskimos on a day like today

   a great way to get over someone: plan ahead. Make a list of their faults so if you breakup you can console yourself with their many weaknesses.

   Love and Alcohol are same... Once tasted, you can never stay away from them !!!!!

   I'll bet the best part of being a cat is not knowing what the internet is.

   Ok, I know all of you have been sitting on the edge of your seats today waiting for this news....... I had Domino's pizza for dinner.... Don't be hatin! Sometimes ya gotta spoil yourself.

   Dear Woman who is wearing jeans with a huge hole near the crotch. Yes I understand that is fashionable, just not in the office…. unless you are smoking hot…

   i hope the next thing they spell is "the end"

   ‎"Metrosexuality... Is the end to sexuality as we know it." - Homer Simpson.

   Oh my!! I just witnessed Napoleon Complex at its best. This guy in a lil' 4 cylinder Prius with a loud ass muffler just stole everyone's attention.

   I had so many great women in my life, yet I don't know where they're at... at least that's what I told the cops ;)

   Those opening ceremonies were so lame that...no to call it lame would be a compliment.

   Running up to him yelling, "I NEVER STOPPED BELIEVING!" is probably a good way to get Steve Perry to sh*t his pants.

   Facebook and now songpop keep telling me to find friends. It's pretty bad when a computer program is telling you that you have a pathetic life.

   Not enough rap songs out there stressing the importance of eating carbs before drinking champagne. So you can remember that h0e.

   The only time I can't hold my liquor is when I have a bong in one hand and a lighter in the other.

   I knew a girl in college here nickname was T-Ball - if you got up, you would never strike out.

   I wonder if they had put "Osama bin Laden gave his Life to Christ at a Early Age.." on his Obituary like they do other Criminals?