Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hungry or Horny? Either way, satisfy your appetite!

   "A cook to spoon me, a crossing guard to hold my hand and a big girl to eat the food off my plate as well as hers", Lyrics so far to my hit single, "Wife Hunting"... still single

   status by rating needs a month or week time limit selection

   Friday Night. I've missed you. You've been coy and bashful all week long. So you abide by the "lady in the street but a freak in the bed" motto. Oh... I see we see eye to eye. I'll be waiting for you when the sun does down.

   Nothing better then waking up with the woman YOU love. :) - Me, waking up with the woman YOU love......

   i ran into friends at the bar last night, but they understood because I was drunk

   Time travel ..0ne hr back in time tonight..i wonder how different every thing will be.

   You can take that tone of "here comes the shocking part" out of your voice. I've already guessed the ending.

   Want my opinion fine don't get mad when you hear what I say, if you want something sugar coated...eat a doughnut!!

   I'm a member of the CSI - “Can't. Stand. Idiots.”

   As a kid, did you ever see Santa claw himself down the chimney and make fun of your pyjamas? My shrink claims it never happened!

   When you take something for granted you risk losing it. When I finally find my Smart ph, I'm telling it how much I love it..!!

   If men never decided to overlook the emotional craziness of women, humans would become extinct.

   Call Me. I can't wait to tell you about my vow of silence!

   My vet has more hair coming out of his ears than my dog. Pretty rad.

   Just came across a Hannah Minx video on Youtube....Looks like I'm gonna be spending alot of time learning Japanese.

   Thank you Facebook. If not for you, I would be jealous of my friends thinking their life isnt boring.

   The Mayweather and Cotto fight looks like a promotion for Verizon and T-Mobile.

   I was told to seek help today,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Fair enough,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, help

   Imagine yourself watching Storage Wars or Auction Hunters on TV thinking to yourself that stuff looks familiar then saying oh wait that's my sh/t !!