Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My family knows how dangerous my cooking is. Why else would grace last 45 minutes?

   My wife elizabeth wants me to take her out tonite to take her mind of her anorexia . . . . . I'm taking her to see thin lizzy

   When I was a kid I loved the game kerplunk. Now I play everyday with the insane amt of clutter in my house

   gets annoyed now when I have to tell a story...duh, I know you saw my status about it already.

   Never compliment a girl on Twitter, she'll reTweet it and make you look thirsty.

   True Story-apparently Iraq has there own version of Punk'd called "Put Him in Bucca" where fake bombs were planted in celebrities cars and they were threatened with death and prison.

   That scary moment when you get home from work to an empty and deserted house and realize that maybe her “I am running away with my boss” speech wasn't an April Fool's joke.

   If I had a dollar for every time a woman called me a jerk, I'd buy an iPad.

   The most exquisite pleasure is giving pleasure to someone you love.

   believe it, first Kiss is MORE memorable than losing virginity...

   not always a big fan of the story God is using us to tell.... but has to admit He isn't afraid to kill off major characters.

   when people say "f°°k this s°°t" is that really a command?

   I want a reinvented baby time machine...where can I buy one?

   sending cards to random people today saying "I'm going to f*** you so bad"...They're not going to know if I'm horny of mafia type!

   Even if you try and slip it in, they still know it's coming

   if the storage wars guyz priced hoarders stuff....well...helloooo mr rockefeller..cha ching

   I only need to learn that one yoga pose where I can tweet from a public bathroom without bare skin touching anything.

   I ate all my girl scout cookies : ( , roughly the weight of two girl scouts.......

   since mens undershirts are called wife beaters, women should call their brasseirs nut crackers

   I can see the newest Jimmy Johns commercial now. Dale Jr. having a sandwich delivered while standing on the track waiting to go back racing.