Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After an object has been assembled, theres always extra components will be found on the bench.

   I wonder if people, who actually think they can danceq.. Have ever watched themselves dance in front of the mirror naked... I bet their minds would change in a heartbeat!

   Hackers used to have skill. Now it just means someone who found a Facebook account that wasn't logged out.

   They are out hunting Duck at the protective wildlife refuge. Who is protected me or the wildlife?

   I wish there was a way to convert my skill at playing drums on the steering wheel into friends or happiness.

   When you enter a relationship, it's as if you sign a contract that says, “I give you 70% of my feelings. I acknowledge that you can play with them, make them feel good, and I also acknowledge that you can freaking destroy them.”

   Inspire others by inspiring yourself.

   Mmmmm, Thanksgiving leftovers for breakfast. Babe, can you pour more gravy on the green meat please?

   Studying for a class sucks, but, not nearly as hard as failing that class

   "That wasn't eggnog!" is a popular thing to yell this time of year, but I'm trying real hard not to yell it much.

   I don't wanna be presumptuous, but I think this Sandra Fluke chick just might be the love of my weekend. Now, if she'd only return my phone calls...

   I admit I am hot, but don't blame me for global warming.

   My family knows how dangerous my cooking is. Why else would grace last 45 minutes?

   My wife elizabeth wants me to take her out tonite to take her mind of her anorexia . . . . . I'm taking her to see thin lizzy

   When I was a kid I loved the game kerplunk. Now I play everyday with the insane amt of clutter in my house

   gets annoyed now when I have to tell a story...duh, I know you saw my status about it already.

   Never compliment a girl on Twitter, she'll reTweet it and make you look thirsty.

   True Story-apparently Iraq has there own version of Punk'd called "Put Him in Bucca" where fake bombs were planted in celebrities cars and they were threatened with death and prison.

   That scary moment when you get home from work to an empty and deserted house and realize that maybe her “I am running away with my boss” speech wasn't an April Fool's joke.

   If I had a dollar for every time a woman called me a jerk, I'd buy an iPad.