Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were you I'd keep silent.

   why do frogs make a mass exodus across the road when it rains?

   Years ago, my band gigged with a band of morons. The first thing they said to me was, "We're gonna blow you off the stage." I told them, "In that case, right here would be fine."

   Great news! I'm declaring a national strike. Nobody go to work.

   Though I was shuffling at work, turns out it was an earthquake..

   I got blown out in my Fantasy Hurricane League this weekend

   Its times like these that makes me wish I had that BUDWEISER app for my Iphone

   In honor of the Royal wedding coinciding with the release of Fast 5...I liveth my days one furlong at a time. For that fortnight or less, I possess the greatest freedom.

   always seems to have the urge to use the bathroom when asked to do something that involves effort

   You made trendsetting, innovative and brilliant products that most people cannot afford but all the same RIP Steve Jobs.

   Tries to make his burps sounds like a Transformer.

   school sux more d than the girls that attend it

   I totally agree with the person above lets go to Wall Street with our iphones and record....those cops are gonna be on some Rodney King Sh*t

   there a market for a limo "General Lee" where you consume alcohol from a Mason jar and have direct access to a "Dixie" horn? One can only dream...

   sorry folks! All the tickets to the rapture have completely sold out. Better luck next time!

   could go to prison for the things he has typed into his notes app on his Droid

   heavy in the game like fatman scoop, plus I got a flow tighter than a batman suit

   Holy $hit look at Steve Stricker go! If I'm ever golfing and I say I'm at -26, thats not my score, it's how many balls Iost!

   Everything is better in slow motion!!

   If I poked as much in college as I do on fb, it would have taken me 8 yrs to get an Associates Degree!