Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know your weed man is getting too popular when he has his own Snapchat location filter.

   Are You: A) A complete partier. B) A vampire. C) A regular insomniac, or D) Some combination of the above?

   Winnie Mandela is 80 and still looks fresh and beautiful than most of you 20yr old girls.

   What's the word for when someone goes 1-100km/h in 7.5 sec in a relationship only to jump out as you engage cruise control?

   Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

   Y'all freaking out about the clowns as if women aren't afraid of being murdered by strange men while walking alone at night all the time.

   Top 5 Fears: 1) Snakes. 2) Tornados. 3) Avalanches. 4) Spiders. 5) A baby not high fiving me back.

   I think Christmas must be near, The bin man said good morning to me.

   Italian bread is just like regular bread but it's gold chain gets stuck in its chest hair while it blows out your kneecaps.

   Today is Erection Day! Go hard or go home...

   Oh... Okay, not the choice I would have made - but game on! Let's see how bad it can really get... for science!

   They say 50% of #status updates are written while sitting on the #toilet That's why I don't buy used mobile #phones .

   I was telling my wife how my New Years resolution is to try and be a happier person. “That’s lovely” she said, giving me a hug. “I’m glad you think so” I replied. “Your bag’s by the front door”.

   The truth about 9/11: it equals 0.81818182

   people with children should be allowed to do things while hiding from their children because children are mini terrorists.

   Weight Loss Tip: Burn more calories by screaming into the abyss.

   Has found love on facebook. Shes from Bangladesh and "wan day will reash amehica."

   Forgetting to close my tab at the bar isn't as costly as forgetting to close tabs on my computer at home.

   People who say "I'm beside myself" are often mistaken.... with the notable exception of time travellers and Siamese twins.

   Look out. The first song I heard today was Eye Of The Tiger. It scored my "looking for my car keys and wallet" montage.