Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think Willy wonka choked on an everlasting gobstopper

   Dug up a questionable bone in my backyard and re-buried it because ain't no one got time for an investigation.

   You know your weed man is getting too popular when he has his own Snapchat location filter.

   Are You: A) A complete partier. B) A vampire. C) A regular insomniac, or D) Some combination of the above?

   Winnie Mandela is 80 and still looks fresh and beautiful than most of you 20yr old girls.

   What's the word for when someone goes 1-100km/h in 7.5 sec in a relationship only to jump out as you engage cruise control?

   Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

   Y'all freaking out about the clowns as if women aren't afraid of being murdered by strange men while walking alone at night all the time.

   Top 5 Fears: 1) Snakes. 2) Tornados. 3) Avalanches. 4) Spiders. 5) A baby not high fiving me back.

   I think Christmas must be near, The bin man said good morning to me.

   Italian bread is just like regular bread but it's gold chain gets stuck in its chest hair while it blows out your kneecaps.

   If you don't have an address on your house to make it easy to find then you need to address that!

   Ladies being mistaken for a hooker is same as us straight guys getting hit on by gay guys.

   What's on my mind is what do I need to do today besides waste time looking at Facebook?

   Just got done knockin boots! Alright fine, I just used a broom to brush the snow off of my sandals...

   Robert Kraft: From Super Bowl Ring to Prostitution Ring

   I poured my heart out and it evaporated. FML

   Things have changed so much like 4000 years ago if you killed a lion and could fix people's teeth you would have been the king of everything

   I'm not looking like a million dollars today, more like about $19.95. But I am hanging out at the Dollar Store so I am feeling pretty good.

   this girl I'm stalking never returns any of my texts,i think I should stalk other women.