Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You're not liked as much as you think you are. And those who do, like the money you have."

   The three wonders of the world. Single guys that make wonders happen. Guy with girlfrineds that see wonders happen. Married guys wonder what happen.

   I have an “L” shaped sofa. Lower case.

   "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   With all the Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas iteam for sale at the sametime in the stores they should call it Hallogivemas sale.

   It should be a Thanksgiving tradition that one of the football games be the Patriots vs the Redskins.

   just found out that Major Lazer is a group not an individual. for how long were you guys planning on keeping this a secret? how long?

   Lest we not forget that Nicola Cage won an Academy award for best actor in a leading role for his role in the film Leaving Las Vegas in 1995.

   Ever been so juiced you started speaking fluent Ozzy Osbourne?

   OMG Pikachu!!! My life is now complete.

   Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting "Mean Girls."

   I wore a bow tie today and got pinched by three guys on my way to work. I guess what they say about bow ties are true.

   Someone said that I am easily insulted, I can't believe that ***** said that !

   All I want is someone to hug me with the same loving ferocity that Danny Trejo hugged Carmen and Juni with in Spy Kids

   Damn, I was gonna get you a birthday gift but the stores were still open.

   ..... Still waiting for the Olympic Committee to award me with the Bronze Medal for Bronzing my metal ....

   Let's raise a glass to my whininess. Too bad it's not wineiness.

   Thanks Nerds for reminding me its "Doctor", not "Dr" Who; also, I probably made out with your sister at a Motley Crue concert, so shut up!!!

   I think Willy wonka choked on an everlasting gobstopper

   Dug up a questionable bone in my backyard and re-buried it because ain't no one got time for an investigation.