Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The Coronavirus has me upset to the point where I've lost weight... 20 lbs total! I have no appetite whatsoever so this thing needs to go away. But not just yet. I want to lose another 30.

   I think this might be a good time to get a pet. Do they have a delivery service for that?

   You heard the saying "you are what you eat", well Mc. D's must be making their Big Mac with donkey meat.

   Two Lessons Learned. One by me, the other by my cat. Me: Always check the dryer before starting. Cat: Never sleep in the dryer ever again.

   I say Back to work. Do strippers say Back to Twerk?

   I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

   I received my first unsolicited goat pic. Not kidding.

   Whenever I email a girl I like with my old flip phone I always make sure to finish it off by writing "Sent by IPhone 5G Mobile Device" so she thinks I'm hip.

   just found out that Major Lazer is a group not an individual. for how long were you guys planning on keeping this a secret? how long?

   Lest we not forget that Nicola Cage won an Academy award for best actor in a leading role for his role in the film Leaving Las Vegas in 1995.

   Ever been so juiced you started speaking fluent Ozzy Osbourne?

   OMG Pikachu!!! My life is now complete.

   Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting "Mean Girls."

   I wore a bow tie today and got pinched by three guys on my way to work. I guess what they say about bow ties are true.

   Someone said that I am easily insulted, I can't believe that ***** said that !

   All I want is someone to hug me with the same loving ferocity that Danny Trejo hugged Carmen and Juni with in Spy Kids

   Damn, I was gonna get you a birthday gift but the stores were still open.

   ..... Still waiting for the Olympic Committee to award me with the Bronze Medal for Bronzing my metal ....

   Let's raise a glass to my whininess. Too bad it's not wineiness.

   Thanks Nerds for reminding me its "Doctor", not "Dr" Who; also, I probably made out with your sister at a Motley Crue concert, so shut up!!!