Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You heard the saying "you are what you eat", well Mc. D's must be making their Big Mac with donkey meat.

   Two Lessons Learned. One by me, the other by my cat. Me: Always check the dryer before starting. Cat: Never sleep in the dryer ever again.

   If Mike Wazowski scratches the bottom of his head, is he scratching his chin? Or his balls?

   I say Back to work. Do strippers say Back to Twerk?

   I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.

   I received my first unsolicited goat pic. Not kidding.

   Whenever I email a girl I like with my old flip phone I always make sure to finish it off by writing "Sent by IPhone 5G Mobile Device" so she thinks I'm hip.

   Important life lesson learned.... you can't hide a bogger under a glass table.

   I know Milk does a body good, but Damn girl how much milk you been drinking ?

   I just executed a North Korean Squirrel.

   I had a passionate sexy romp under the covers this morning!..though I'm not too sure Wimbledon security were too thrilled about it?

   it bad that I want to mix cream liquor with my shakeology?

   I signed up for ancestry.com. I wouldn't be surprised if me results come back as 100% Budweiser.

   Ray = Zubin Dalal

   "Ask her out, Bro." "I can't." "Why not?" "I don't have the guts." -conversation between two skeltons.

   in order for ted cruz to clear his name for liking porn on twitter he should have to eat cake in front of everyone like that kid in matilda

   Cosby is going to be meeting bubba and will really get some "pudding in his cloud"

   be like doctor strange, he saw the end of infinity war 14 million times and he never said a spoiler

   There’s a tunnel at the end of the light

   My lesbian neighbors got me a timex for my birth day. But I don't think they understood when I said I wana watch.