Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the secret to my success was knowing who to blame for my failures...

   If you don't have an address on your house to make it easy to find then you need to address that!

   Ladies being mistaken for a hooker is same as us straight guys getting hit on by gay guys.

   What's on my mind is what do I need to do today besides waste time looking at Facebook?

   Just got done knockin boots! Alright fine, I just used a broom to brush the snow off of my sandals...

   I poured my heart out and it evaporated. FML

   Things have changed so much like 4000 years ago if you killed a lion and could fix people's teeth you would have been the king of everything

   I'm not looking like a million dollars today, more like about $19.95. But I am hanging out at the Dollar Store so I am feeling pretty good.

   this girl I'm stalking never returns any of my texts,i think I should stalk other women.

   If someone gave me a million dollars to lose weight for one of those weight loss programs I would too

   Two girls talking. 1st girl: I've been ask lots of times to get married. 2nd girl: Was it by the same guy? 1st girl: No, by my mother.

   Pro-tip: sadness is for people who are awake or sober.

   Women drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left! How am I supposed to prepare myself with these effing mind games?!

   A good way to understand the importance of wood grain is to pet a cat.

   Since Easter sunday is also April fool's day as a April fool's prank. Besides dyeing raw eggs (That I mention in an earlies status) I also willbe substituting the candy choclate balls with chocolate covered brussel sprouts.

   Engineer: A short circuit in the deer's nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it's dangerous. But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?

   Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he's having computer problems?

   To the NBA post: what are you, stupid? NBA players criticized those communist countries all the time. What the hell is wrong with you?

   I bet the creators of The Brady Bunch had no idea how much impact they would have on the porn industry...

   Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight. I'm just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.