Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't want to be owned, but I do want to be possessed.

   Single and failing to mingle.

   And now Keith Richards coughs on the Olympic cauldron... snuffing it.. forever.

   i'm into commitments especially if they're not long term.

   my girlfriend says I'm great in bed because I can sleep the whole day.

   would you say I have anger issues if everytime the "Wendy's girl" comes on I have this urge to rip my tv off the wall and throw it out the window and then run outside and set it on fire?

   used to arrive fashionably late to parties until he realized it didn't matter because the party only starts when he arrives.

   For Mother's Day I'm getting my mom a camera that will allow her to take less than 45 minutes to take a picture. If they make one...

   the secret to my success was knowing who to blame for my failures...

   Cosby is going to be meeting bubba and will really get some "pudding in his cloud"

   be like doctor strange, he saw the end of infinity war 14 million times and he never said a spoiler

   There’s a tunnel at the end of the light

   My lesbian neighbors got me a timex for my birth day. But I don't think they understood when I said I wana watch.

   "You're not liked as much as you think you are. And those who do, like the money you have."

   The three wonders of the world. Single guys that make wonders happen. Guy with girlfrineds that see wonders happen. Married guys wonder what happen.

   I have an “L” shaped sofa. Lower case.

   "Shrekticles" because, you know....

   With all the Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas iteam for sale at the sametime in the stores they should call it Hallogivemas sale.

   It should be a Thanksgiving tradition that one of the football games be the Patriots vs the Redskins.

   Today is Erection Day! Go hard or go home...