Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One day many years ago there was a man who didn't drink any beer. But it was many years ago and it was only for that one day...

   him: you’re not like other girls me, at the urinal next to him: how

   I understand that in every life a little Rain Must Fall, but what I don't understand is why does it always happen to me the few times when forget to close my car windows?

   *Angry after wasting 5 hours trying to craft a beer joke.... " This was entirely hopless!"

   I had 5 minutes to spare this morning so I figured women out.

   There are people who've been through hell and are trying to entertain you ungrateful urinary tract infections for free. Be kind.

   A couples finances in a relationship. Woman: the money I make is my money.The money he makes is our money.

   My weight doubles my SAT score.

   Super Mario made me go looking for gold coins by smashing bricks with my head.

   Life as a woman is just adding new body parts to your shaving regimen every year until you die.

   Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam. Siri: Step over the dog.

   me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this

   Batman: fighting crime is easy Robin: *grabs his hand* but fighting our desires isn’t Batman: not now Robin

   I want to win a fake award like "Michigan's man of the year" too.

   [at the mall with my husband] Me singing softly: She's just a girl and she's on fire.. Hubby: *shoots dirty look* Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she's got her head in the clouds and- Hubby: Shhh! Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

   If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that's not me.

   Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away. Uber Driver: Same, Girl.

   I've been bad a few times this year, but it was worth it...you judgmental fat bastard!

   Somewhat, I was waiting to see if suddenly M&M's Bananas would show up on stage!

   atleast there wasn't a wardrobe malfunction."