Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sure it's nice to let your kids be independent, but sometimes it's also nice to not have ketchup all over your kitchen.

   Don't call 911 when you hear screaming and yelling at one of my family gatherings. We're Greek, and just having fun cooking dinner.

   Why is my kid in the living room doing cartwheels when I put her to bed an hour ago?

   To help curve the Coronavirus I've only hung out with three of my Facebook friends all year, just like last year.

   I often wonder what would have been had John Lennon decided to stay home that night.

   I'll be dressed up tonight as a dad who sends his kids house to house to beg for handouts while eating their candy in the street like a hobo zombie.

   Who has clocks they have to change anymore?

   Instead of saying "for all intents & purposes" you should say "for all incense & porpoises" just for the fun of it.

   Let's get married and have kids so instead of going to happy hour you can make a boxed dinner while I figure out common core math homework.

   voting this year is like picking out what STD do you want!!!!!!! you know is going to burn!

   ..... Hey .... Who could've predicted that the rise of "Reality Television" would lead to this exact moment in History?

   What if every opossum you saw on the side of the road was faking it?

   I'd like your post or photo but you did and now I think you're an idiot...

   Not to be outdone by the new "Coca Cola Selfie Bottle", CHARMIN is announcing their new "We're on a Selfie Roll!" bathroom tissue product. Now you can turn those boring old bathroom selfies into "Action Selfies"!

   "I don't celebrate thanksgiving because it's a story of murder....." well, if this is murder, it sure is delicious......please pass the yams.....

   Dear Activision, how about you come out with Call of Duty - Black Ops STOP! Sincerely, Everyone.

   Put your index fingers together and keep your eyes on your left finger while slowly moving your hands apart. While still looking at your left finger, touch your nose with your right finger. Now stop doing that.

   I installed an energy saving water heater this morning. It's a tankless job but somebody has to do it.

   IoT warning: my refrigerator just whispered to me my life would be better if I switch to satellite TV

   I see on Twitter that January 13 is National Rubber Duck Day. On Wikipedia I learned that this bill was signed into law by President Ford in 1975 after it barely squeaked through the senate.