Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   BEST PICK UP LINE: Are you a drill sergeant? Because you have my privates standing at attention.

   I was on the elevator with a maid and I BLASTED a fart. Moments like that make life worth living.

   Congrats America, you've given the nuclear codes to the most danerous man on this planet

   The Olympics are only around to make white people feel good at sports

   When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

   Why don't you unbutton that blouse and let me get to know ya?

   ... "No Prince Charming Riding Up On a White Horse Anymore", Girls are Done With All Those Pointless Fairy Tales. Now It's Time to Wait For Some Real MEN .... as Jacob The Werewolf and Edward The Vampire, hahah !!!

   Let's play a game. Shuffle your music playlist. Skip the the 7th song. Write the first few lyrics, then the last name/one of the words from the band's name. Then write the track length. Congratulations, you've created your own bible verse.

   How about instead of doing the 69, we just do the 68. It's where you do me... and I owe you one.

   Just thinking about how rediculously good looking I am.

   My Neighbors just bough me a new Seiko , I think they misunderstood me when they asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said I wanna watch

   I love you like white folks love the Kardashians.

   Time is like a stretched elastic band. You can't let it go or it'll come back and take your balls out.

   My wifi doesn't have a password because I have unlimited Internet so I don't give a s@#t.

   People who cheat on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

   Jesus Christ is on Twitter with 159,933 followers & following None.. lol

   Just got back from town. There would be so much less clutter if only the business that were'nt hiring put up signs. . .

   Just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes

   Ok so English petrol price is £6.72 a gallon so in Dollars $10.97 and you lot are complaining about $4.00(£2.45)???

   If athletes wear 'JUST DO IT' shirts...do drug dealers wear 'JUST SELL IT' shirts?