Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just passed up an invite from the USA hockey team, to bring the gold in 2014. After checking my calendar, I have a hair cut appointment that conflicts.....Dammit!

   A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and asks, ‘You wanna play 'magic'?' She responds, ‘What's that?' He says, ‘Well we go  back to my place and  screw, and then you disappear!'

   Australia has officially chnaged it's name to ATLANTIS

   the biggest thing on a woman's panties should be the tag!!!!!

   see if you can be the lucky one to be the 200th to like this I'll start the ball rolling

   denial is only a river in egypt

   Supreme Court rules no Nativity scene in DC!!! The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States Capital this Christmas season.

   ive been wearing my boxer briefs backwards all day...btw guys,when using the restroom, dont use that easy access slot in the front the same way for the back side if you find yourself in the same situation..it doesnt end well!!

   I worry that you'll work in an office, have children, celebrate wedding anniversaries. The world of the heterosexual is a sick and boring life.

   One of the bigger mistake men make is thinking they have to understand what they're apologizing for.

   God was invented by the caveman to explain thunder and other stuff he could not explain.

   Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

   I can't believe we have a president that had sex with porn stars and wants a space army, and I still hate him.

   Botching a quarantine and causing an outbreak, because you hate Obama so much is a understandable thing to me.

   Gone with the Wind!

   I don't give a crap...I am voting for Romney just cuz Paul Ryan looks like "Doug" from The Hangover!!

   thinking the shortest book ever written was called negroes I have gone yachting with

   America should ban Thanksgiving until your National Gross Weight goes down

   Just received a text from my wife saying, "You're a childish prick sometimes." I was so annoyed. I thought I'd hidden her phone really well this time.

   I'm pretty sure Dora the Explorer is teaching kids the wrong idea, because I tried rapist no raping the other day…. It didn't go well.