Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ugh. None of my Facebook friends have accepted my "Take Seven B&W Pictures of Your Life Print them Poster-Size, Tint them with Watercolors, Scan Them, Increase Vibrance by 50% then Post Each One with a 3-Word Description Challenge".

   I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti cannons because I like to party.

   Jesus is the adult version of Santa Claus. #TRUTH

   dreams of one day moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

   Guys, If you suck on a fat girls t!tty for more than 10 seconds, you will get type 2 diabetes. Fact

   On a scale of 1 to 10, how old do you think Sandusky's boyfriend is?

   Myth Confirmed! It's better to be a virgin over a rapist! TEBOW!

   asks If a older woman that goes after a younger man is a cougar, is an older man that goes after a younger man a Nittany Lion?

   So excited..I just won "the lottery"!! Ouch!! Wait a second, why is everybody in town throwing stones at me?

   just called 911. To report a fat white guy in a red suit just broke in to my home and snatched up a plate of cookies. Hey fatty you left your presents. We got your finger prints and we be looking for you. You so dumb.

   Don't you hate it when some fat ass in a fast food drive thru orders $40 in food.

   not a flinstone but i'll make your bed rock

   used to be a virgin, but he's paying tax now.

   it possible to be in two places at twice?

   a dude playing a dude, disguised as another dude.

   Time to go give my sheets some a$$ and pillow some head...

   I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

   If I had a child, I would name him Carlos, just for the years of personal enjoyment of saying "Not at the table Carlos!"

   Call me crazy but when a baby won't stop crying I ask its mom to spread her legs and I try to gently shove it back in her.

   ARE YOU LOSING MONEY EVERY TIME YOU BATHE? If you're taking cash into the shower, the answer may surprise you.... Stay tuned.