Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

   Dear Santa, Define Good. Love X

   wonders if one took up dancing in the southern hemisphere, if it would be considered "pole" dancing

   you can't control the economy, you can control your health

   didn't know that Tiger was a Buddhist. Maybe it was all of those Buddha calls that got him in trouble.

   if I take all the first letters of my ex's itspells why did I bother

   I'm a genius we should get together a make smart children

   "Don't Regret Anything U've Done Bcuz' At One Point In Ur Life It Was Exactly what you Wanted 2 Do."

   i would have loved to have a gay dad .. coz all that stuff at school... my dad will beat up ure dad... I would have been able to say .. my dad would shag your dad ... and he would love it

   was a war baby. My parents took one look at me and started fighting

   thinks mummys are extinct bc they always wrap it up!

   A man's bathroom is his fortress of solitude and the toilet is his throne.

   Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall--until I gave him a good, swift kick ;-)

   The bigger the ass on a woman, the bigger the morning log in the toilet. Keep that in mind.

   China Has Really Impressed Me In The Olympics... They Use The Same Person For Every Event..

   So, the iPhone 5s has a fingerprint reader. Sorry amputees......

   My girlfriend surprised me with bubble wrap panties last night. Lets just say it was fun Popping ........that Coochie!

   if your reading this your on facebook and have no life

   "Why did you just take my Napkin? I wasn't done with MY napkin..I had a special bond with that napkin... Don't give me a new napkin!..I don't know this NAPKIN! This Napkins a damn stranger!

   Saving money on her car insurance by fleeing the scene of an accident.