Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Don't Regret Anything U've Done Bcuz' At One Point In Ur Life It Was Exactly what you Wanted 2 Do."

   i would have loved to have a gay dad .. coz all that stuff at school... my dad will beat up ure dad... I would have been able to say .. my dad would shag your dad ... and he would love it

   was a war baby. My parents took one look at me and started fighting

   thinks mummys are extinct bc they always wrap it up!

   A man's bathroom is his fortress of solitude and the toilet is his throne.

   Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall--until I gave him a good, swift kick ;-)

   The bigger the ass on a woman, the bigger the morning log in the toilet. Keep that in mind.

   China Has Really Impressed Me In The Olympics... They Use The Same Person For Every Event..

   So, the iPhone 5s has a fingerprint reader. Sorry amputees......

   My girlfriend surprised me with bubble wrap panties last night. Lets just say it was fun Popping ........that Coochie!

   if your reading this your on facebook and have no life

   "Why did you just take my Napkin? I wasn't done with MY napkin..I had a special bond with that napkin... Don't give me a new napkin!..I don't know this NAPKIN! This Napkins a damn stranger!

   Saving money on her car insurance by fleeing the scene of an accident.

   I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti cannons because I like to party.

   Ugh. None of my Facebook friends have accepted my "Take Seven B&W Pictures of Your Life Print them Poster-Size, Tint them with Watercolors, Scan Them, Increase Vibrance by 50% then Post Each One with a 3-Word Description Challenge".

   Jesus is the adult version of Santa Claus. #TRUTH

   dreams of one day moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.

   Guys, If you suck on a fat girls t!tty for more than 10 seconds, you will get type 2 diabetes. Fact

   On a scale of 1 to 10, how old do you think Sandusky's boyfriend is?

   Myth Confirmed! It's better to be a virgin over a rapist! TEBOW!