Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ladies: During sex, keep your heels on because when it's over he's kicking your a$$ right out.

   I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I'm still at WORK.!!!

   Wiping makeup off of your shoes after a long day of kicking sluts in the face.

   Here's two people with scoliosis attempting to have sex - ??

   I pulled into Dunkin Doughnuts drive thru and a women appeared at the window and asked, "may I take your order". Jedi Master am I.

   If we're going to check Mexicans for their citizenship, can we check Justin Bieber for his too?

   I whisper freaky things in my girls ear while she is sitting infront of the family................ And I must say, It turns her on lol

   Oh Jack Kevorkian... you're in heaven making Terri Schiavo laugh now.

   For the first hour of work, I've entertained myself by watching my eye worms. I hate when you go to look at them and they run away! Them lil B@stards are quick!

   Be strong, вєαυтιfυℓ , because things will get better. It may be stormy now, But ιт ¢αи'т яαιи fσяєνєя

   not a fan of emploees who take 25 min dumps, twice a day, while on the clock, everyday. Crap on. Crap Off. Crap on crap off, The Crapper.

   that Smurfs movie looks stupid. I just want to see it, just to see how stupid it is."

   If Rap music ever takes off in North Korea, I'll bet there's gonna be a big scramble for the name "Run DMZ".

   I hate it when some popular girl form high school goes on an on about her life. I'm like woman shut your hole. Your mouth's had more pr*cks in it than a tavern dartboard.

   I just want to be fit enough to put my seatbelt on, without crying.

   Tiger Kings, Joe Exotic will never sing Christmas songs cause he hates carols.

   If on that certaint night in December 1945. Mary Anne said not tonight Fred, I have a headache. We all would be better off today.

   Bet when he went to school if there was a subject called how to do nothing, he would of gotten straight A's in it.

   It's so hard to know if we should be taking Trump's tweets seriously when we don't know if they're coming from a locker room or not.

   singing and dancing around her room in her undies.