Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ever sneeze so hard that it started raining

   Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, b*tches"

   Whats the first? That little drop of water that makes it back up in there before you can squeeze it shut.

   ..... cute, funny, and irresistable... enough about me,tell me about you?

   If you can have sex faster then the speed of sound is it possible to have sex with a women before she can respond with a yes or no answer ?

   drinking a full bottle of Nyquil, knowing that he is trading a cold for a hung over.

   Sometimes I intentionally p0st boring statuses just to tick people off. Like I am doing now.

   I wonder if we're "homed people" to them...

   disappointed to hear that farts do not have lumps as it means I've dirtied my pants

   Facts are busily being ground into meat.

   I am so bored I'm logging in and out of facebook for entertainment!

   That was one time and I'm not allowed to have coffee anymore!....

   If she listens to lil wayne, she to young for you bro

   Obama's jobs plan is that he has sold America to Apple and you are all working for them now

   Note to self: Do NOT draft Peyton Hillis this year.

   did some cross- dressing this morning , I said wheres my f**king socks

   I was driving around today and the sun was out and the snow is melting so I think it's time to take your Christmas decorations down now.

   I JUST SAW SOMETHING THAT HAS CHANGED MY LIFE FOREVER. THREE SIMPLE WORDS....... ON NBC ..... "RIVERDANCE ON ICE"..... YOU HAD ME AT RIVER...

   If you ever see me getting beating by the police, put down the camera and come help me instead..

   If I ever get arrested.......again..... My one phone call will be to the police station to do a bomb scare. I'm not spending the night there......again.