Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sometimes you have to delete your fb so you don't get caught

   Congratulations on graduating community college! Alright let's practice, I'll ask for a fish filet combo with a sprite, now what do you say?

   I ate a cigarette last night cause I thought it was a fry.

   Why do some parents always talk about how much they love their kids but the kids live 500 miles away with the other parent?

   Honey you used so much oil, the US wants to invade your plate!

   I am about to get some action guys. The only thing she is wearing right now is her hair, her heels and oh wait wtf and a tampon?!?

   all these bars are offering a drink special called "hurricane sandy" don't fall for it though it's just a watered down Manhattan...

   Hate mondays, annoy tuesdays, ignore wednesdays, smile thursdays, love fridays, enjoy saturdays, damn sundays.

   I'm so full of Love I poot out Heart shape bubbles...<3 <3 <3 <3

   The cool thing about Taco Bell's " 5 buck box " Is that if you time your eating right... As soon as your done, you can turn right around and use the box to make a Mexican " soft serve" in it......... I know,, what a green idea

   Son of a B*tch! Every time some one likes my status my computer freezes up. I am trying to read my newsfeed so knock it off already.

   Ebonics word for the day "mayonaise". Mayonaise alot of crackers up in here

   "Why does stuff like this always happen to me?" - gay passenger on Titanic

   going to watch the Tom Brady bunch teach Big Ben that no means no

   When you go down I go up, and I'm not talking about a seesaw either.

   Do I care if you hate me? Do you wanna know the truth? C'est la vie....adiós....good riddance....fuckyou!

   Wow, it works!!!!! Be right back, gonna try out my new time machine.....Let's see how this goes!!!!!

   wow, just heard on the news that all gulliable people that use facebook are going to be charged $17.95 a month to have their photos on facebook!!

   roses are red, violets are blue, as a matter of fact the best films are too!

   My girl asked me over and over and over to go to the store to get her some tampons. I got tired of heaqing it so I told her to put a sock in it.