Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That extremely "WTF" moment when finally you found the right moment to broke up with your boyfriend and... He ask you to marry him...

   What do you think of when you hear the word woman? I think of lingerie, stilettos, cosmetics, sweet perfumes, love. What about when I hear the word wife? I think of nagging, booze and staying out till late.

   You know the NCAA won't punish the Penn St. football program unless Sandusky gave his victim's dad a free car.

   just because YOU think that your pretty dosent make you pretty it just means your EGO is as ugly and fat as YOU are

   saw the new George Foreman grill in the store last night and the box says it can reduce fat by 42%. It's a lie...I leaned against the box and nothing happened!

   Years from now, when our kids asks what's Myspace..."come sit on grandpa's lap and let me tell you about the good ol' computer days.... Once upon a time there was Myspace started by Tom, and then there wasn't. THE END".

   Just attempted to lick my own b@lls for the 105th time, i'm getting closer every day!

   it true that in prison sometimes a man will try to kiss another gentleman even if he doesn't want to kiss him back?

   I saw a sign at the coffee shop today 'experienced bakers needed, inquire within' .....my dream come true. 420

   I refuse to go bungee jumping. I came into this world because of a broken rubber and I don't want to leave it the same way.

   Darth Vader's #1 song on hid iPod ... every breath you take ...

   Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? “Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.”

   Is there a High Council of Nazi Elders? To whom do we report these bathroom graffiti artists who are drawing their swastikas backwards?

   People don't want their problems fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their Distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the BIG scary unknown

   Did you here about the elderly couple who lived next to a church? .....They were making love to the rhythm of the church bells..........A fire engine went passed and the old man died of a heart attack.

   Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is SethMacFarlane and his Evil Genius.....and an Occupy Wall St. Family Guy!

   My boss walks by my desk almost everyday and says, "Wake Up" even though I am clearly awake. So today I replied, "How could anyone sleep with the strong odor of bullsh*t around here anyway, but they always say you can't smell yourself like others can."

   On a scale of 1 to Spongebob how ready are you?

   I don't mean to sound dubstep but boommmm ngeeekkk whoobwobwobwobwob whawhawhaw.

   nothing worst then sitting in the waiting room before a checkup with a woman sitting next to you aggressively discussing her cancer, and it's makes you uncomfortable.