Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I fought the law and....the lawyers won.

   maybe you should wait until the food cools before stuffing it in your mouth like you've never eaten b4 causing you to spit it back out and still be hungry....see how that goes

   learned to never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

   Watching the Hanover... Not the movie.. looking in the mirror

   got a phone call reminder from the dentist about an appointment to come in for a cavity search...

   Merry Drunk I'm Christmas

   Marijuana is now legal in Colorado. I guess this gives a whole new meaning to the term Rocky Mountain High.

   Girls be like, "choose me or either lose me"....... Like they the only females out there saying that!

   If you can buy clothes in Extra Large or Extra Small, why is there no Extra Medium?

   Did the Broncos win the Super Bowl? I've seen thousands of children in Africa wearin Broncos shirts!

   Fire Brad Ausmus, it's never ok to joke about beating women

   I'm a female so I guess my favourite hobby is being right.

   "Ducklings are baby ducks," I say as I set the appetizer on the table. "Enjoy your dumplings, Ma'am."

   It's all fun and games until your picture is up at all the McDonalds drive thrus in your county. 31

   If police are gonna profile,,, they gonna look for a spade dressed like a gangsta

   My wife isn't a Buffalo Bills fan... but she sure loves choking if ya know what I mean ;)

   Oh, you're a social drinker, I'm an anti-social drinker, nice to never meet you.

   You don't have to agree with me to be my friend. I don't have to agree with you to like you. I like good sensible people and if you are good people with common sense, I like you!

   Yes, I said I love you, but I meant it in the drunk kind of way.

   I dont understand banks. Why do they attach chains to their pens? If I'm trusting you with my money, you should at least trust me with your damn pens!"