Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore?

   The only time you'll ever catch me poppin a molly is when that b1tch is talkin sh1t. #powrightinthekisser

   It's Friday! That means just two more days until Monday.

   Cancer is the Syria of diseases.

   I got 99 problems but an awesome right hand ain't one of them...

   Alchohol: Because you have never heard a great story start with, "I once ate this salad..."

   80s music brings me back to good times like when I didn't exist.

   News media should report more about professional NBA/NFL cheerleaders that comes out and says their lesbian or gay.....

   RIP Chris Kelly - trust you have gone to the big trampoline in Heaven to Jump, Jump

   I had a dream last night that I went back in time and instead of warning everyone about 9/11 I just talked about how cool smart phones are.

   Fighting off bunnies trying to steal my lucky charms

   Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

   My friend has just been sacked from the jigsaw factory. She's in pieces.

   that feeling when you are about to have sex with some hot gal you've been wanting for a long time...

   playing COD MW2 to give my brain cells something fun to do in case they're no longer around on Saturday morning after Friday nights events.

   Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is??? They don't fancy each other

   "I like" IF EVERYONE stops writing where they "like it" ... thank you!

   She's doing shots in her underwear , a fur hat an mittens!!! I'm never coming home!!!

   Dear Santa, when your done writing the naughty list, can I get my lil black book back? Cheers Guv

   is "childish. No he's not, yes he is, no he's not, yes he is."