Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cool prank: when a teacher tells you to use your inside voice start talking in tongues and vomiting blood

   Am I gonna have to be the one that asks? Really? Cause I'm not seeing how we're supposed to buy into Donkey having babies with the Dragon from Shrek

   Apparently, guys who play the banjo haven't heard of an instrument called 'the guitar' which tends to drown the player in a sea of puss y.

   ♫ ♫ I don't know what to do. I don't now WHAT to DO. High ho the dairy ho....I think I'll just drink some wine ♪ ♪

   Bow Wow been 14 for 20 years

   Show me a woman who doesn't gossip and I will show you a blind man.

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their moustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore?

   The only time you'll ever catch me poppin a molly is when that b1tch is talkin sh1t. #powrightinthekisser

   It's Friday! That means just two more days until Monday.

   Cancer is the Syria of diseases.

   I got 99 problems but an awesome right hand ain't one of them...

   Alchohol: Because you have never heard a great story start with, "I once ate this salad..."

   80s music brings me back to good times like when I didn't exist.

   News media should report more about professional NBA/NFL cheerleaders that comes out and says their lesbian or gay.....

   RIP Chris Kelly - trust you have gone to the big trampoline in Heaven to Jump, Jump

   I had a dream last night that I went back in time and instead of warning everyone about 9/11 I just talked about how cool smart phones are.

   Fighting off bunnies trying to steal my lucky charms

   Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

   My friend has just been sacked from the jigsaw factory. She's in pieces.

   that feeling when you are about to have sex with some hot gal you've been wanting for a long time...