Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've been busy today and may of missed it. What was DT's dumb statement of the day, today?

   A snail goes into a car dealership​ and says, "I wanna buy a little car. And I want you to paint a big "S" on the side of it." Salesman says, "OK, but why?" Snail says, "So when I pass by people will say LOOK AT THAT LITTLE S-CAR GO!"

   thinks you are wasting her time

   Enduring Peace

   If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I thinkit's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

   1. Go to Google Maps and click on "Get Directions." 2. Enter "USA" as your start point. 3. Enter "Japan" as your destination. 4. Go to the 31st point on your route. 5. Repost this on your status

   PETA would like to remind the protesters in EGYPT: FOR THE LOVE OF ALLAH, PLEASE DON'T SMOKE THE CAMELS!!!!

   Air Force - A pair of Nike shoes or, what Darth Vader calls his farts.

   This Ethiopian Athlete can totaly beat Usain Bolt in a sprint race if you put food on the finish line..

   Paula Dean will be on The Today Show on Wednesday to talk about her scandal and she will share her new recipes of food coverings for your foot before you stick it into your mouth.

   I can finally join the crowd that says THE BOOK WAS BETTER now that most movies are about comic book heroes

   FOX & Friends? Who in their right mind would want to be friends with FOX? It's a lie, FOX has no friends.

   Ryan Lochte is going to be a father, which proves that no matter how stupid you may be, it only takes one strong swimmer to get somebody pregnant.

   I hate when my wife corrects me,so I said to her "Sarah I want a divorce" she responds with "my name is Debbie"

   Few people know this but Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.

   ladies, I am looking for a squirter. I meant squirt gun, I am looking for a female squirt gun

   TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip? FLAT EARTHER: here we go again

   Wolf meat was on sale at the exotic food store. So I bought a pack.

   Don't forget to turn your clocks ahead tomorrow so we have one less hour of Trump.

   How do you break a mans heart? You can't because they don't have one.