Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You don't OWN Facebook. Stop being a whining b*tch who can't accept a mere change. Do all your friends complain when you change the furniture around YOUR house...Deal with it. Its not your website.

   Angry, angry Christians everywhere (insert toy story meme here)

   heard that the new GW Bush book is a pop-up picture book. Makes sense actually, an author always wants to meet the demographic/target audience.

   I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it.

   refuses to get his pizza from Pappa Johns anymore after finding out what he did to Mackenzie Phllips

   My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out

   I've been busy today and may of missed it. What was DT's dumb statement of the day, today?

   A snail goes into a car dealership​ and says, "I wanna buy a little car. And I want you to paint a big "S" on the side of it." Salesman says, "OK, but why?" Snail says, "So when I pass by people will say LOOK AT THAT LITTLE S-CAR GO!"

   thinks you are wasting her time

   Enduring Peace

   If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I thinkit's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting the vulture.

   1. Go to Google Maps and click on "Get Directions." 2. Enter "USA" as your start point. 3. Enter "Japan" as your destination. 4. Go to the 31st point on your route. 5. Repost this on your status

   PETA would like to remind the protesters in EGYPT: FOR THE LOVE OF ALLAH, PLEASE DON'T SMOKE THE CAMELS!!!!

   Air Force - A pair of Nike shoes or, what Darth Vader calls his farts.

   Few people know this but Cinco de Mayo is actually about a ship full of mayonnaise that sank off the coast of Mexico.

   ladies, I am looking for a squirter. I meant squirt gun, I am looking for a female squirt gun

   I can finally join the crowd that says THE BOOK WAS BETTER now that most movies are about comic book heroes

   FOX & Friends? Who in their right mind would want to be friends with FOX? It's a lie, FOX has no friends.

   Ryan Lochte is going to be a father, which proves that no matter how stupid you may be, it only takes one strong swimmer to get somebody pregnant.

   I hate when my wife corrects me,so I said to her "Sarah I want a divorce" she responds with "my name is Debbie"