Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I go to the all you can eat breakfast bar for $5.00. I go, "What'll 10.00 get me?" They asked me to leave. That's bull$hit right there.

   did you hear the leading cause of gunshot wounds are bullets?

   Finding a true friend is about as easy as nailing jello to a tree.

   Took a major dump and when I flushed, I yelled to the stall next to me "Sh#t's goin down" ... silence

   I wish my dog would stop fighting me and just understand that its cold outside and he'd get much better sleep if he was wearing footie pajamas.

   We need the children of Indonesia and the Philippines to manufacture our freedom of choice.

   What if the power had gone out during some of those corporate sponsored college bowls: Little Caesars Bowl: "No difference...still horrible pizza."

   The only algebra you need is: The quanity of the crazy is adversely porportionate to the quality of the poon.

   The way you dress is the way people will address you. If you dress like a bum, you gonna be addresses as a bum. If you dress like a slut, you gonna be addressed as a slut. If you dress like a loser…

   [ KANYE'S VOICE ]Everyone that is stomping their feet and pouting like little kids, the trial is over. He was found not guilty by a jury of his peers after all evidence was presented. The prosecution failed to prove their case... first it was the voting b

   it's hotter than the backside of Satan's ballsack out there today!

   Rolling st-o-o-one...wanna see my picture on the cover? Tried to kill 5 thousand with my brother. Sto-o-one...A desperate attempt to seem relevant. By some Dimwit at the Rolling Stone!

   Riley Cooper said what??? Wait, isn't he Manning's brother??? No, thats Cooopah!

   I'm not saying my eyesight is getting worse but yesterday in the car I spent 15minutes letting an echidna cross the road......then I realized it was a pine cone!

   Officer You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my cell phone.

   All day I've been getting calls from the number "1"... I finally answered it and NO ONE was there.

   They told me women likes edible undies, So far the only thing I've attracted with these edible undies is ants.....

   the difference between good and great in one word? Bacon...

   It takes everything I have to lie to your face and tell you I never loved you.

   Since nobody will admit to it, my son is the only proof that I've actually had sex.