Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Introduce me to your parents at your own risk.

   I want to be loved like white guys love khaki shorts.

   I wish they made c ondoms for ears so I didn't have to hear so much bullsh*t.

   omg black saturday makes me feel so awkward

   Angel on my shoulder needs to shut up.

   Show your partner you care by pretending they are the only person you sext.

   I Woke up so excited this morning when I saw World Cup listed on my Tv .Imagine my dissapointment when I found out it was soccer and not quidditch.

   Just sitting here and realized that the old Bob Seger song 'Fire down below" is not about contracting an STD. Bummer

   “It is the preoccupation with possessions, more than anything else that prevents us from living freely and nobly.” ― Bertrand Russell

   I must have been involved in some filthy debauchery last night, because when I woke up the Jesus statue in my bedroom was facing the wall.

   Eyebrows so big and arched, you think you're seeing double in St Louis

   Made up Word of the Day: Dysfucktional.

   “I make it rain on them hoes.” - Clouds

   Two more victims have come forward in the BBC abuse scandal. They claim they were regularly fisted by elderly men on a weekly basis and then locked away after this abuse until the next week. Both Sooty and Sweep claim they where so traumatized it left the

   Single women, you know that dress you're thinking of wearing tonight? The really tight, short one? Throw it out.

   Just listened to a One Direction song and now I'm a 16 year old girl called "Amy"

   hi ho hi ho it's off to school I go! I don't learn much because the teacher is nuts ...hi ho hi ho

   it just me, or does Dub step sound like transformers having sex?

   If schools were supposed to prepare us for the adult world, we should've had a subject called "How to get away with murder".

   if we get to my place and she's wearing a push up bra and spanx, I'm putting her s hit on the street...