Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   omg black saturday makes me feel so awkward

   Angel on my shoulder needs to shut up.

   Show your partner you care by pretending they are the only person you sext.

   I Woke up so excited this morning when I saw World Cup listed on my Tv .Imagine my dissapointment when I found out it was soccer and not quidditch.

   Just sitting here and realized that the old Bob Seger song 'Fire down below" is not about contracting an STD. Bummer

   “It is the preoccupation with possessions, more than anything else that prevents us from living freely and nobly.” ― Bertrand Russell

   I must have been involved in some filthy debauchery last night, because when I woke up the Jesus statue in my bedroom was facing the wall.

   Eyebrows so big and arched, you think you're seeing double in St Louis

   You win man.....your b!tch is bad....and so is her credit.

   Here is the line _____ do me a favor and don't cross it.

   YOU JUST PROVED IT! ADVERTISING DOES WORK! THIS SPACE FOR RENT AT AFFORDABLE PRICES!

   Just completed a 7km run... These darn coppers don't give up that easily any more..

   if you act like a douche i'm gonna call you "eve"

   Friendship between a fat person and a skinny person must always be viewed with the suspicion it deserves.

   just made love to Luisa Gronqvist in the middle of the street.

   Jimmy cracked cocaine, and suddenly everyone cared.

   Without Adele...this would be the worst Grammy's ever lol kinda like the Super Bowl Commercials this year without Clint Eastwood!!

   Putting sandbags around my toilet in preparation for tomorrow.

   What are the three most important items on a wood stove?? ........"Lifter, Legs and Poker"

   Just got some Justin Bieber underwear ..the front says you cry and the back says I cry..!!