Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Haven't heard Obama say one thing about getting rid of Nickelback yet!!!!

   Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were an expert on my life and how I should live it. Please continue while I take f*cking notes.

   CNN, CBS, ABC, MSNBC. Not a fan of any news outlets. That's why I get all my information from one channel, The Cartoon Network

   My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.

   real reason Steve Jobs died.....Jesus needed tech support for his iPOD

   Sunday is here again...time to put on our christianity hats and act all holly and mighty while we pretend to care about god and his 10 commandments.

   Colin Kaepernick says America is not great and people tell him to leave. Donald Trump says America is not great and may become president. White privilege.

   creating a petition to deport those signing the petition to secede from the United States...and send them to Mexico! GOOD RIDDANCE!

   Still trying to figure out what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

   Fox news breakfast: Bigots and gravy.

   I decide which beer to drink on a case by case basis

   You think you can hurt my feelings? I'm an overthinker. I hurt my own feelings.

   A fun way to celebrate Palm Sunday while self-isolating is to slap your loved ones in the face and yell “Palm Sunday”.

   I started my new Kris Kristofferson diet this morning. A beer for breakfast and another one for desert .

   Hey Donald, if Uncle Bill had sexually harassed Ivanka, would he still be a "good guy", or is it okay as long as you have lots of power over the victim.

   To everyone in the northern hemisphere, I apologize for the odious stenches emanating from my rear end this evening.

   ever look at somebodys feet and there toes look like Fritoes

   Alejandro Villanueva is a coward. He can stand up to the enemy on the battlefield, but he can't stand up to a bunch of whiny crybaby millionaires.

   I paid for my wife to have a breast reduction. The doctor goes, "Ah, she wants a loppatittyoffamee."

   I'd have to say for the first time in 40 years I don't wish I was Eddie Van Halen.