Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You will never get sleep with a redhead because they are soulless gingers and will steal you away when you sleep

   immeasurably happy'

   You know you're getting older when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!

   never call a newborn "My little tax deduction" in front of your wife.... Trust me.

   Trump lost the trade war with Mexico, bwahahahahaha! Get use to losing all the time, with dump in office, America will keep on losing!

   Wife asked me if I wanted to play Cornhole? I said inside or outside? She just turned and walked away.

   Happy Father's Day to all the single mothers who do both roles due to dead beat dads.

   Girl: You have a big stomach, you cant even see your own feet! GUY: I let it get big like this so I won't have to look at your face while you suck my D***!..

   100 percent natural

   My signature move is giving a guy a roofie after sex so he has to spend the night with me.

   why do some people all of a sudden need to carry a gun everywhere they go? I’m 40 years old and can’t think of a single time I went to church, dinner or shopping and needed a gun.

   Smoke your dirty weed nobody cares just stop trying to justify it to people who don't smoke

   As I was driving in the city I saw my ex crossing the street and the term, "I'd hit that", took on a whole new meaning!

   I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..

   Say what you will, but Rush Limbaugh is a star. By star, I mean a large, gassy object that can be seen from a distance.

   In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.

   What makes you so special when you're convinced that Bill Gates installed a tracking chip in you and is monitoring you 24/7?

   Now the women of Alabama are pissed off at the governor and threatens to votes Dems next time. Greatest reality show ever!

   increasing his carbon footprint so that it is visible from space.

   wonders if suacide bombers text. "BRB ... J/K! I won't BRB." Or, "TTFN SYIHW72V" = ta ta for now, see you in heaven with 72 virgins.