Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I didn't know Peyton and Phillp Seymour Thomas were that close...

   That moment when you realize you will probably never be half the man your mother is...

   this is just not the place anymore, I'm gonna go pop some pop corn and go watch the movies on facebook!

   Q: What comes with the new Divorced Barbie doll? A: All Ken's stuff. -I. M. F.

   Melania, Millenium, Malva.....I bet no one knows the name of Donald Trump's latest wife either.

   Because of the size of my d*ck women find it difficult to walk after I have sex with them. I react very violently to laughter.

   I got the following numbers. 1) FU. 5) FU.12) FU. 33) FU.

   A sandwich should be grilled until inside is warm & bread starts to crisp. Not until inside is nuclear & bread becomes a turtle shell.

   Can you beleive that some cultures still communicate with a series of clicks and primitive heirglyphs? *clicks furiously at keyboard* *adds 17 emojis*

   I was making love to Robert Pattinson for seven hours straight until security told me that Madam Tussuads was getting ready to close.

   I'm never disappointed. everything happens for a reason. I jus get pissed waiting to see what dat reason was exactly.

   its your birthday too today? well this is for christmas AND your bday !

   Private eyes....Are watching you....Listening to your every move....

   one wrong key stroke and my last status was "Due to a high phone bill I'm switching to Bondage".

   I dont do Drugs, I am Drugs

   Never play leapfrog with a unicorn!

   I eat because I'm depressed. I'm depressed because I eat.

   that a gun in ur pocket...or you just happy to see me? ;)P

   Man you cant be old and have that blue 200 flush cleaner. I have blue ballz now cause they sag so low

   Touch your toes And touch your toes And wish you'd skipped those Oreo's.