Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   An expert is just someone who's 10,000 miles away from home.

   Joe Rogan vs My Grandma....out back...in the alley...on the next pay per-view....my moneys on Ganny.

   at walmart waitin for the greeter to greet me...ive been sittin in the car for 30mins now...

   hot darn thanks to you now I'm in trouble for crusin on facebook.....thanks grandma

   Her make up make me wanna call her RACCOON.

   Don't judge a book by its cover except for Facebook.

   missing piece on apple's logo is steve jobs...!!!

   Some say motivation doesn't last, but so is bathing. That is why I recommend it daily.

   No matter how cool you think you are... you still came out of a vajay so step off.

   M&M's totally melt in your hand.

   Fair is fair but sometimes unfair is still kinda fair comparatively.

   I just saved a bunch of money on an anniversary gift, by having my GF break up with me

   Whatever happens, Never agree to teach a girl how to ride a bike with her father watching..

   just discovered an addictive app, see y'all in 2015

   That new survey says that 33 is the happiest age but somehow I think Jesus and John Belushi might disagree.

   I went to the movies yesterday and afterwards went to the bathroom. In the stall next to me, some mom was telling her daughter, "Do you need to go tinkle tinkle little star?" And then she made lots of peeing noises. I just left the bathroom as fast as I c

   Evidently I was the designated drinker tonight. I rode on a Harley to the party, but I arrived home in a Subaru.

   I wish I was in the X-Men so I could always look at Wolverine before a fight and say, "How are we gonna claw our way outta this one?"

   Bro Tip: Wink at the cute lady on the elevator and push the 6 and 9 buttons over and over until she gives in.

   If there is one thing life has taught me, it's humility. In fact, I daresay there is no one on this planet more humble than me.