Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   New speculations have arose that the Pope is resigning after being Catfished into believing he had a girlfriend by the same guy as Mantiteo.

   *opens beer with double chin*

   Being swallowed by a sinkhole is a bad way to start the day. At least he gets to avoid the sequester...

   My dog has learned a lot of tricks.... But it's funny, I dont remember him watching me licking my balls.????

   What doesn't kill you get arrested and most likely post bail.

   A woman saying "I'm about to cum" is another way of saying "Unless you handle the next minute like a round of Jenga, I'll stab you!!"

   When God said "do not covet", He was talking about your neighbor's Wi-Fi.

   God damn girl, you're a bag full of crazy, You seeing anybody?

   Saw a woman pushing a stroller wearing a T-shirt that read 'I hate men', but the kid looks just like her! I don't understand!

   The Royal baby has been named 'George'...Zippy and Bungle are mortified!

   If you're vegetarian then clearly you haven't tasted turkey!

   I'm now willing to admit that we're stuck with polka dots. They're not f***ing going anywhere.

   Miss Right looks Wrong without make-up.

   I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there.

   On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

   Napoleon is the only Dynamite that is never going to bang.

   I'm not talented enough to type and pick my nose at the same time.

   Have you seen the new Friendster? You can now log in using your Facebook account! Like WTF? Hahaha!

   There's nothing quite like a 10 penny nail thru the arch of your foot!

   oh the pain, hurts so good, I almost get breathless, so so hot baby, got to be the best hot wings ever