Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Fire can be a faithful servant, like when cooking S'mores or raining down on 'Charlie'... ~~ Seymour Skinner

   I seem to spend a lot more time pooping than most people. So my question is, what’s wrong with y’all??

   Future Perfect Present Tense

   since none of the "alledged" steriod users got in the baseball HOF, now may not be the best time to come clean Lance...

   So if a tree falls down in the forest...does Manti Teo believe Junior Seau is dead

   Veni, vidi, illud purgatur Translation. I came, I saw, I Cleaned it up.

   my brain is like a prison....has all those cells & they dont all get used all the time

   New speculations have arose that the Pope is resigning after being Catfished into believing he had a girlfriend by the same guy as Mantiteo.

   *opens beer with double chin*

   Being swallowed by a sinkhole is a bad way to start the day. At least he gets to avoid the sequester...

   My dog has learned a lot of tricks.... But it's funny, I dont remember him watching me licking my balls.????

   What doesn't kill you get arrested and most likely post bail.

   A woman saying "I'm about to cum" is another way of saying "Unless you handle the next minute like a round of Jenga, I'll stab you!!"

   When God said "do not covet", He was talking about your neighbor's Wi-Fi.

   God damn girl, you're a bag full of crazy, You seeing anybody?

   Saw a woman pushing a stroller wearing a T-shirt that read 'I hate men', but the kid looks just like her! I don't understand!

   The Royal baby has been named 'George'...Zippy and Bungle are mortified!

   If you're vegetarian then clearly you haven't tasted turkey!

   I'm now willing to admit that we're stuck with polka dots. They're not f***ing going anywhere.

   Miss Right looks Wrong without make-up.