Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes the best people to spill your heart to are total strangers. I love you guys.

   Why is it that I'm a normal, calm, predictable person until I get a pair of secateurs in my hand and I turn into a crazed plant killing maniac?

   kristen stewart apparently cheated on robert pattinson....perhaps she needs a bit LESS "sssparkle" and bit more FIREWORKS...this one will prolly drive him right outta the closet...

   You call it Russian Roulette, I call it waking up on Monday.

   "Bae" = The most annoying word known to man created by some ratchet female that was too lazy to say the whole word "Babe"

   there is no better way to follow everyone in the world then here!!:) also I can save the money I spend on the van and candy!

   My most endearing quality would have to be knowing all the lyrics to Smash Mouth's "All Star"

   When I said that you are like a stream of bat pi$$, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is darkness.

   "You love to laugh?? Wow, how unique!" said no one, ever...

   I always carry a knife. Because I believe in cutting-edge technology.

   Democracy comes from the word demos, meaning mob a mob in the street is a demos. Ocracy means rule,ur welcome

   I can't take a 5 hour energy. It'd either eff up my nap or my bedtime…

   OH Muh GAH....that d@mn commercial has got me in it's clutches!! I go around singing "I GOT 2 TICKETS TO PARADISE....."

   If the shoe fits, don't just wear it, strut that s hit b itch.

   Happy couples are annoying and disgusting, I hope me and my girlfriend never get happy.

   She say I drive her crazy, well that makes sense coz I am a crazy driver.

   I never bring a knife to a fight. I bring my brain. It's much sharper.

   When I go to the grocery store I pretend like I'm putting together a jigsaw puzzle of what I would like the inside of my fridge to look like

   This guy behind me in the security line is looking at me like that fart was mine for sure

   wanna have something hidden forever? Give it to your wife