Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.

   I stay high because it doesn't hurt from up here.

   when you're stressed, you eat Ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is Desserts.

   I wish a girl would invite me in her house and not give me that ass.... B*tch I'm slamming doors, banging pots and blowing the horn when I leave.

   I'd beat you up, but that might be considered animal abuse.

   Kittens FB page has more likes than God's FB page...

   Roses are red, violets are blue... How much do your facebook friends know about you?

   had an affair with a teacher once. Made sweet music in the band room, poetry during English class and you don't even want to know what we did in the multipurpose room.

   If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?

   You call it a train wreck I call her my daughter.

   eating some thanksgiving pie still with some cooh whip...cant have pie without cooh whip

   Dad when I grow up I want a twitter account…I’m sorry son you can’t do both…

   I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to not be a douchebag.

   if Bill Gates was to die & go to hell, would that make him the "Gates of Hell"?

   I'm Mandela's grandson and have all his leadership skills , follow me

   He who pays the priest controls the sermon.

   Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles

   Look at your status. Now back to mine. Now back to yours. Now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down. Back up. Where are you? You're on F

   Party! Party! Party! Lets all get wasted... Hold up wait, who's driving us home???

   *son walks in on parents* *out of breath* -Daddy & I were just wrestling honey -Ya son, wrestling *dad busts a chair over mom's head*