Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   True story: Apparently there is a bar/club called "G-spot" in my area. One night a girl came up to me downtown and asked me where the "G-spot" was located and I said I didn't know. Epic Fail

   Why do you ladies feel it necessary to manipulate a man to get what you want?? Well, lol...we buy you a drink cuz we think your thirsty!!

   You're so trashy, I'm surprised the garbage man doesn't try to pick you up with the rest of the trash bins.

   eating chocolate+ shooting singing cats with my water gun= happiness

   Are you thinking what I'm thinking that I think that you're thinking I'm thinking because if you think that I think that I ... wait what were we thinking about?

   DRUNKEN BAR FIGHT. Put the 1st 8 friends at the left of your profile in order... this does not work for moble users...CRAP.

   One man says to the other "I heard Joe is doing Crystal Meth now." The other man replys "Who's Crystal and how longs he been doing her?"

   That odd moment when you sober up and realized you poked your sister on facebook last night.

   how many people telling dominican jokes does it takes to change a bulb?

   Maury told me "You are Not the father"... That just made my day!

   to do list- 1) shoot video confession. 2) sign over house and children to the bank. 3) make fritters for Parole Officer.

   *son walks in on parents* *out of breath* -Daddy & I were just wrestling honey -Ya son, wrestling *dad busts a chair over mom's head*

   Let's see if Bruce Jenner remains a Republican once he starts making 77 cents on the dollar.

   Look at your status. Now back to mine. Now back to yours. Now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down. Back up. Where are you? You're on F

   Party! Party! Party! Lets all get wasted... Hold up wait, who's driving us home???

   Dear americans, as you celebrate your independence just know you are the greatest country in term of human weight and obesity.

   says Read my lips...$1,600,000,000,000 in new taxes... Thanks GOP Congress

   All the brain dead idiots that watch and listen to FOX news must be pretty pissed they haven't been able to marry their 1st cousion yet.....or their goat.

   I can't wait for tomorrow when Trump will officially be president again. Love to see those libs cry.

   If they can get their student loans forgiven then I want my car loan forgiven. ALL LOANS MATTER!