Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   pro tip: go to men's warehouse. try on a suit. take a selfie. say the suit isnt what you want & give it back. you just got a free picture of you looking good in a nice suit.

   Bar B Que Bacon Cheese Burger... The best part of my day.

   Have you ever turned the radio station and the same song was on..happened to me

   Wait til last minute to buy Christmas presents for the elderly, could save you lots of money..

   I stay high because it doesn't hurt from up here.

   when you're stressed, you eat Ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets. Why? Because stressed spelled backwards is Desserts.

   I wish a girl would invite me in her house and not give me that ass.... B*tch I'm slamming doors, banging pots and blowing the horn when I leave.

   I'd beat you up, but that might be considered animal abuse.

   Kittens FB page has more likes than God's FB page...

   Roses are red, violets are blue... How much do your facebook friends know about you?

   had an affair with a teacher once. Made sweet music in the band room, poetry during English class and you don't even want to know what we did in the multipurpose room.

   If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?

   You call it a train wreck I call her my daughter.

   eating some thanksgiving pie still with some cooh whip...cant have pie without cooh whip

   Dad when I grow up I want a twitter account…I’m sorry son you can’t do both…

   I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to not be a douchebag.

   if Bill Gates was to die & go to hell, would that make him the "Gates of Hell"?

   I'm Mandela's grandson and have all his leadership skills , follow me

   He who pays the priest controls the sermon.

   Why is a school zone 20mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles