Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?

   Why should Obama treat Nutandyahoo any differently than the way he treats Obama? My main complaint is the fact that Nutandyahoo bypassed Obama, the sitting president, to address congress last year. Who the hell does he think he is? Payback s a bi*ch ain't

   he told me he likes it rough so I crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

   I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.

   its been a few years that MTV got rid of "Jersey Shore." I guess we'll never know if they learn to walk upright.

   According to Time mag...we may be interpretng the Mayan calendar incorrectly. Damn...you know what this means...at least one more month of an Obama presidency. How depressing!!!

   x² + why +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y - 5Z ³= k= 9 is as useful and crucial to my life as Jesus is.

   When French people swear, do they say excuse my English?

   Never treat someone like an iPhone6s if they treat you like a Nokia 3310

   If you have a nap just after the previous nap, is it a post nap or a whole new nap?

   People are strange? Last night the bloke in the next toilet stall to me started playing with himself? It put me right off my sandwich!

   Tom Brady, a white man, supports the NFL player's protest. What are you guys going to do now?

   NASCAR, you will do as your told just like you were trained.

   Donald Trump is having Tim Tebow speak at the Republican National Convention. I'm confused. I thought he didn't like losers.

   I have never wished for the death of another man, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.

   Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

   Machete Don't Facebook

   thanks to Mucinex, I always think of my boogers as being dressed like Archie Bunker and lounging in my nose...

   Bought a horse that lost its last race on purpose. So, I'm calling it Quits.

   Me + Nyquil = <3