Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   x² + why +8 [(x + 2y ² = a-z] + 2x ³ + (- 2z = 2. 4) + 10y - 5Z ³= k= 9 is as useful and crucial to my life as Jesus is.

   When French people swear, do they say excuse my English?

   Donald Trump is having Tim Tebow speak at the Republican National Convention. I'm confused. I thought he didn't like losers.

   I have never wished for the death of another man, but I have read some obituaries with great pleasure.

   Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.

   People are strange? Last night the bloke in the next toilet stall to me started playing with himself? It put me right off my sandwich!

   Tom Brady, a white man, supports the NFL player's protest. What are you guys going to do now?

   NASCAR, you will do as your told just like you were trained.

   Never treat someone like an iPhone6s if they treat you like a Nokia 3310

   If you have a nap just after the previous nap, is it a post nap or a whole new nap?

   Machete Don't Facebook

   thanks to Mucinex, I always think of my boogers as being dressed like Archie Bunker and lounging in my nose...

   Bought a horse that lost its last race on purpose. So, I'm calling it Quits.

   Me + Nyquil = <3

   The best thing in this status is when you realized that it mean nothing and it's too late to stop reading...

   Two doctors are talking, one asks the other one "Can I borrow your Dictaphone" the other replied "No, you have to use your finger like everyone else!"

   Life is like a baseball game. When you think a fastball is coming, You gotta be ready to hit the curve.

   those acorns in my bag shrink when it gets cold.

   I was about to put something very profound here, but I couldn't think of a thing...

   You're either NEXUS or you're against us!