Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do all Mexican restaurants serve Pepsi and not Coke?

   Excuse me miss I believe your ass is on fire... let me help you put it out

   I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.

   Now I realize why some people loves the uneducated people.

   Two of the saddest days in American 9/11 and 11/9!

   Mark Zuckerburg is worth billions. Yet, he marries Priscilla Chan. He would have been better off with a mail order bride.

   When going out for sea food, I always order shark steak. Not because I like it.. but to show THEM who is really on top of the food chain.

   Neat thing about being Tom Cruise is if he misses a workout he can just crawl inside a friend's mouth and use his uvula as a punching bag.

   Her: "Ugh! Let me tell you about m......" Me: "Is my zipper down?" Her: ".....no..." Me: "Then why is your mouth open?

   Why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. Who has hair on their shoulders. Who's shampooing their shoulder hair. Please come forward.

   I cut myself while shaving today, because who has time to do both?

   If woman ruled the world there would be no wars.....just a bunch of countries not talking to each other.

   The person who invented foldable steel chairs probably starts to cry then shouts “TURN IT OFF!” every time wrestling comes on TV.

   There's this woman I like, but I think she's gay cause she's very fond of arseholes.

   The only sign on the door of the recruiting office in Chattanooga was the Gun Free Zone One.

   the creepiest thing is meeting someone new and adding them on facebook, only to find they are already on youre facebook.

   My girlfriend loves it when I talk dirty to her during sex. I'm pissed off at her though, so tonight when we make love I'm going to tell her how beautiful she is.

   I told her beauty is why God invented eyeballs, and her booty is why God invented my balls.

   If your dealer runs out of Charlie Cheen, don't let him try to sell you Emilio Estevez.

   It's not that big women aren't attractive, I just don't think my pick up line could hold the weight.