Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Hey guys, its a beautiful day out, lets go talk on the motel balconey." MLK

   "wonders, ""Is there a mirror in your pants, cause I see myself in them."" "

   I don't feel sorry for fat people. No one woke up one day fat. It takes a lot of being lazy and plenty of nothing to do.

   Men are the best cooks. Because with two eggs, one sausage and a little bit of milk, he can fill a girl's tummy for nine months.

   lovin' it

   Now we finally know what Obama was hiding on his birth certificate. Under favorite band, it says: "Nickleback."

   Soccer: 90 minutes of no strategy, no intrigue, and no scoring.

   Drinks only on days that start with "T".. Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Tonday, Tunday, Tednesday and Taturday.

   This is the greatest prank Ellen Degeneres has ever played on Matt Lauer

   Ever get a friend request and you're like "Nah, you look like you steal copper."?

   Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.

   If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough… The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

   Trump spent ten minutes complaining about Pearl Harbour until an aide pulled him aside to explain that China and Japan were two different countries.

   Self-Checkout should include an employee discount.

   Contrary to popular belief, cats actually love water. You just have to set them on fire first.

   Make sure to send prayers to people suffering from natural disasters, because if god didn't care while he was doing it, he surely will after

   A lion would never cheat on his wife... But a tiger wood...

   It's amazing how a good a fat person can look... Once their skinny!

   (Continued) DASANI (part of the COCA-COLA company) water bottles. After a long day of protesting they'll get in their CHEVY, FORD, GM vechicles powered by gasoline from EXXON/MOBIL, CHEVRON, CONOCO/PHILLIPS and will stop and eat at MC DONALD'S, SUBWAY, TA

   ♫ Jesus freaks, out in the streets, handing tickets out for God...♫