Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't wait for the Amanda Knox extradition party. I hear it's gonna be a killer!

   I wonder if prostitutes from India tells their coustomers "Thank you cum again"?

   FACT: Growing a beard while sleeping is the only way a man can multitask

   The “thank you wave”after letting someone merge their car in front of yours is one thing holding this fragile society together

   Ladies... As long as I have a face, you have a place to sit.

   Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.

   No, I don’t want a sex robot. I have my wife for that.

   I think Tampax should change their slogan to "From out box, to yours".

   so the Bible says the world is going to end May 21, 2011.. Santa Claus always said the Mayan's got the date right years ago. well thats what the Easter bunny told me....

   You know you live with a nerd when you pick a motherboard off of a closet shelf

   that ackward moment when ur friend comes in the bathroom while ur sittin on the toliet

   One ovary asks the other ovary "Did you order any furniture?" "No, why?" "Because there's two nuts out there, trying to shove in an organ."

   Women don't care about thing like how much money you make, what you drive or where you live at. Who am I kidding, even the female homeless go after the homeless guy with the most stuff..

   Sex on a cruise ship means the ocean does all the work. Ocean sex rules!!! Go to hell land sex!!!

   Seeing a woman with a pretty face and a fat ass is like seeing an old man driving a sports car, what a waste of nice equipment.

   Your eyes look so pretty with my hand around your throat.

   There's a baseball team named the Giants (San Francisco), a football team named the Giants (New York)...yet there's no basketball team named the Giants...when in fact, basketball players ARE GIANTS!

   Haven't shaved for so long I'm now the proud owner of a furgina!

   It is ironic that Bain outsourced Levi's, Hagar, and EDS to India before their workers outsourced Mitts job to Kenya.

   Facebook asks what I'm thinking. Twitter asks what I'm doing. Foursquare asks where I am. The internet has turned into a crazy girlfriend.