Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Watching 50 Shades of Grey and O.M.G. My playroom Looks. Exactly. Like. That!

   I just heard my grandma yell "The United States is dropping the bomb on Japan again!"

   Dear Hospital this chicken broth would be much better if it had noodles, corn and chicken in it.

   This chicken is so uncooked that a skilled vet could still save him

   Hey people who actaully spend money on selfie sticks; since you like buying dumb sh*t, I am also selling ...

   Look out Taylor Swift, I'm going to produce my first musical soundtrack. Music for cats, my first song will be the sound of a can opener. I already see it going gold!

   these pretzals are making me thirsty

   One of the most difficult jobs in the world is being a mother. If done wrong, you could ruin someone's future......NO PRESSURE!!!

   Brett also got me a pen for my birthday.....He should have splurged and gotten a better one though... I can totally get out of this one....

   Our team has just recovered the black box & it would seem that Harrison Ford's earring did indeed confuse the compass & other controls.

   Dog is man's best friend. Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Therefore, a dog made out of diamonds should be everybody's friend.

   Being a lesbian sounds fun, you can get your nails painted while you scissor.

   How much for this black sheep? Sir, that's a mirror.

   Don’t you hate it when you wake up and...no that’s all...don’t you hate it?

   Great British Bake-Off tonight. In honour of the iPhone launch last night, they too will be trying to improve the Apple Turnover.

   When fat people say that they're on a diet it just means they've started using napkins to try and take some grease off their pizzas.

   If I could have a moment of your time I'd just like to say, Happy Easter everyone.

   Throat grabbing is one of my signature moves. Although this chic taking my order at McDonald's right now doesn't seem all that into it.

   Then there was a cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods

   Will you be my Alentine? If so, later I will give you the V.