Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think I could ever stab someone, I mean lets be honest I can barely get the straw in a Capri Sun

   I started tramp stamp collecting. What? Its a real hobby

   Dear Zach, the Facebook app has down syndrome. Use some of your never ending money to fix it you selfish prick.

   *Galaxy Breaking News* Mars Rover discovers location for the next Wal-Mart Superstore...coming soon hillbilly's in space!

   I wonder what Rebecca Black thinks of Samoa skipping out on Friday?.......

   Luckily for me, my future cancer will go along quite nicely with my current personality.

   If you don't have any children, charce's are you won't have any grandchildren.

   That sad moment when it´s already new year in Portugal and everybody in my country and all around the all are partying really hard and I´m in home. In ther internet. Sadness. Fap time.

   more technology= Less Jobs.........Simple

   To the guy that just passed me with a "General Lee" car on his trailer, I HATE YOU!

   My gf says she's got crabs ..so I went out and bought her a pair of fish net stockings

   Face down A55 up, thats the way I select donuts at Dunkin Donuts

   你有時間嗎？..Sorry, No Hablo Espanol.. .

   Today, I just finished my first week of unemployment. I don't have any money. I also just finished the last toilet paper roll.

   Sweet as heaven, hot as hell, born to tease, taught to please!

   Climbed aboard the dream weaver train.

   Its like a sowna in here...no more pantilonies

   my ex was so fat she used to but her belt on with a boomerrang

   If the government is gonna focus on cloning, they need to be cloning 1970 gas prices. If the government is gonna focus on cloning, they need to be cloning 1970 gas prices

   Taco Bell now going Gourmet and offering Chihuahua Rice and Mexican premium Water!