Funny Status Messages and Tweets

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   given permission to get her B#T#& on. I am really looking forward to tomorrow.

   reminds Arsenalaction of Blair's so-called “deal in the desert” in March 2004 with a famously cheesy handshake with Col Gaddafi...you ass.

   I can't decide if this thick orange sky color over New York is beautiful or too close to a chemical attack of some sort.

   Tell me then, does love make one a fool or do only fools fall in love?

   Back in the day. How long did it take people to catch on and realize that the one guy who implemented putting up his middle finger meant "fvck you"

   Congrats on ur Bar Mitzvah. Today you r a man, which you'll now illustrate by going apes*** over presents.

   Facebook is like women: when you think you have it all figured out, it completely changes.

   Stupidity is not an inherited trait, but for some it comes quite naturally.

   Aaaaaahhhhhh.....Friday.....time for the Beer-Goggle Olympics. But be careful single peeps, 'cuz once the sun comes up, you COULD find yourself in a bad horror movie. WHOOP!! Have a GREAT weekend!!

   Women are the reason for reasons.

   One bite of a cookie, and suddenly your on a plane to vegas with a hooker. Wth

   Evolution is just nature's way of issuing upgrades.

   So, we are allowed to pee in our own showers, just not other people's showers. Check. My neighbor is never looking at me the same, is he?

   If someone wants to be a part of your life, they'll make an effort to be in it. So... yeah.. don't bother reserving a spot in your life for me.

   I guess my second puberty where I get a pen!s is never going to happen.

   I just heard on the news that terrorists have hidden bombs in hundreds of cans of alphagetti spaghetti. If they go off, they could spell disaster.

   We all have that one class where when you're absent, you feel like you've missed a year when you come back.

   at his mom's house and saw a can that said "mixed nuts". It was the family urn.

   I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives. I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished, so I have managed to finish off a bottle of Merlot, a bott