Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   over weight & a drug problem? New hitting the streets diet coke

   "Ham-fisted" sounds glorious to some.

   Today at crossfit, we had to spoon wild mountain lions.

   Today is . . . the tomorrow you thought about yesterday you lazy fcuk

   If anybody out there is in quarantine right now, can I come over?

   I have no problem getting S3X...the tough part is deciding which hand to use.

   Lindsey Vonn starts at the top and ends up on the bottom.....so, apparently, does Tiger

   The sound a zipper makes is my Pavlovian trigger.

   You’re dry humping my last nerve.

   Name your kid Basil and see what happens. BEST case scenario, he spend hours a day updating Wikipedia.

   and you feel they are being discriminatory, you give us a call and we’ll be right over with signs and bullhorns to protest their protest. We can even have a slogan: “Hey you, Stop that!”

   I'm was doing Bikram yoga today. By that I mean I was in the back of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to vacuum under the front passenger seat.

   Well I guess if a prison system and busting people self medicating because they can't afford to go to the doctor is what keeps McDonald's on the table, what's a body to do?

   The best thing about being empty inside is that there's more room for Taco Bell.

   Thx for the info Copernicus, but that crap ain't funny. You need to take it to the boring site.

   I wonder what Rob Ford is handing out for treats tonight....

   the only tatoos I would ever consider are quotation marks between my lips

   I am not shy, I am just not interested,

   Before comedy how did people know women and men were different

   Good Better Best. Never let it rest. Until your good is better. and your better best.