Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate to imagine the drinks served at a party in your pants.

   thinks that you're an X-Large fruit basket.

   I wasn't sure that I was hungry enough to eat a whole pizza, so I sliced it into six pieces instead of eight.

   Get Twisted...Happy National Pretzel Day!

   it’s 2013, why does google maps not have a Parkour option? pretty sure I could get to that Burger King in 90 seconds with Parkour moves

   If worse comes to worst you can always get her a glass of Mother’s Day water.

   Just throw a J in front of the KKK and no one will take them serious.

   Move away from the coffee pot and no one gets hurt.

   I like a girl who leaves things to the imagination, like what her natural hair colour is and whether or not she loves me back.

   it just me or does it seem like giving my last four digits of my social security is alot easier for others to remember instead of the whole number

   I guess there's some kind of driving contest going on in Florida...

   If I find out that my soulmate is dead, I’m going to be pissed off that I didn’t have a chance to be the reason she drank herself to death.

   This Repressed Childhood Memory Foam mattress isn't providing any kind of comfort.

   "That's not what I meant" - people who meant it that way but realized they're wrong

   Actually, my ancestors are from the County just down the road from County Cork. Perhaps you've heard of County Screw Top?

   came down with an incredibly bad case of Leprechaunorrhea last year so he is going to behave himself today!!!

   If you can't be manipulated, you're not in love.

   'Rolling In The Deep' is my favorite song about ecstasy.

   I know we are in a seious debate on your status! And I totally disagree with everything you've said. But I can't commnt yet, because I have no idea what I' talking/arguing about, and i'm waiting for Google to load!!!

   Due to the Economy, remember that money I said never to worry about?!!!