Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   and my excuse to drink today....."Its Groundhog Day!"

   The only thing that annoy's lately is when I type tge instead of the on my IPhone !! Drives me crazy !

   I outswitted the smartest person on the planet today in debate, then realized it was just anothr one of my personalities....

   ... and never will watch the video of the kid in the pool on Facebook's home page.

   America leads the world in reality shows about what female reality show stars do after their reality shows end.

   My tip for you working professional's out there- If you job requires you to use a computer, Maybe you should learn the basic functions of a computer- for instance- TURNING THE F&CKING THING ON

   Just drank a Red Stripe, smoked a spliff, listened to dub reggae and watched The Harder They Come, yet I'm still TERRIBLE at bobsledding!

   got myself a McPitBull today...now I can see if mcfoods or mcpets are more dangerous

   I think our Presidents should have to wear powdered wigs...great visual

   Some people can stop rocking. I, however, am not one of them.

   @_theguy_: Cherries, lemons, limes and olives? This bar has the worst salad bar ever!

   Sleeping with someone for the first time is like the new girl in the office making your coffee for the first time.You're never sure if they're going to do it like you like it

   You paint a pretty picture, too bad it's color by number

   thinking...as the solar storm hits Earth, let's all sing a chorus of "Baby, It's Geomagnetically Charged Outside"

   I didn't know the name of the curly-mustachioed head shop proprietor, but that didn't make him a "stranger." And so, I accepted his candy.

   I have a feeling that if you guys were my patients, I would have no problem getting you to take your pills.

   The Hunger Games? Is that like olympics for overweight former athletes or something?

   I stop swearing and everybody thinks I'm asleep? - Bobby Knight

   Right now I wondering if I would have never been conceived, if it weren't for the Doobie Brothers.

   When I wasn't looking someone grabbed my shopping cart on Amazon and replaced it with one with a squeaky wheel. Of course my stuff was gone, and this one was filled with a bunch of "Preperation H" and a couple of those blow up rubber dounuts.