Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My tip for you working professional's out there- If you job requires you to use a computer, Maybe you should learn the basic functions of a computer- for instance- TURNING THE F&CKING THING ON

   Just drank a Red Stripe, smoked a spliff, listened to dub reggae and watched The Harder They Come, yet I'm still TERRIBLE at bobsledding!

   got myself a McPitBull today...now I can see if mcfoods or mcpets are more dangerous

   I think our Presidents should have to wear powdered wigs...great visual

   Some people can stop rocking. I, however, am not one of them.

   @_theguy_: Cherries, lemons, limes and olives? This bar has the worst salad bar ever!

   Sleeping with someone for the first time is like the new girl in the office making your coffee for the first time.You're never sure if they're going to do it like you like it

   You paint a pretty picture, too bad it's color by number

   thinking...as the solar storm hits Earth, let's all sing a chorus of "Baby, It's Geomagnetically Charged Outside"

   I didn't know the name of the curly-mustachioed head shop proprietor, but that didn't make him a "stranger." And so, I accepted his candy.

   I have a feeling that if you guys were my patients, I would have no problem getting you to take your pills.

   The Hunger Games? Is that like olympics for overweight former athletes or something?

   I stop swearing and everybody thinks I'm asleep? - Bobby Knight

   Right now I wondering if I would have never been conceived, if it weren't for the Doobie Brothers.

   When I wasn't looking someone grabbed my shopping cart on Amazon and replaced it with one with a squeaky wheel. Of course my stuff was gone, and this one was filled with a bunch of "Preperation H" and a couple of those blow up rubber dounuts.

   I'm not here today. This is a holographic representation of me, have a good day....

   Ya know some days, I just don't feel like having a conversation of witty build-up to which I know is going to lead to an unsatisfing joke!

   Nobody takes a leap of faith anymore, noone knows what its like to give everything for a chance to win something.. but you know what kellogs poptarts box, i've got a date with destiny.

   lazy rule: if you can't reach it, you don't need it. if you do need it, scream HELP!! HELP!! someone will eventually show up.

   Because of Facebook, the only presidential candidate we'll be able to have in 2040 is someone too stupid to know how to use Facebook.