Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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The supermarket's completely out of bread and milk. What is it going to snow? 
Pro tip: If you have a cat and money is tight, bird seed is cheaper than cat food.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
What's up with Chicanos putting cheese on apple pie? Asking for a gringo. 🥧
Love becomes weak if it is not strengthened by truth. Truth becomes hard if it is not softened by love.
This November I'm voting for the candidate who will bring back the original Four Loko recipe that killed those college kids.
"That's one small step for man ... One Giant leap for mankind" .... Melania Trump
If you want to recruit people to do whatever you tell them, get the ones eating fast food seafood.
My debit card isn't the only thing I wanna tap tonight.
Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to "stay"....
Ironically, this is probably the first time Melania has seen him nude.
LAKESTALKER's SMARTASS COMMENT FOR THE DAY: Whoever came up with the phrase, "The freaks come out at night", have clearly never been to Walmart during the day...
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this wayPro tip #27: if Suge Knight is at the party you're at, go to another party.
Bladderrash Counterhatch in the streets. Benedict Cumberbatch in the sheets. You don't get it? Me neither. I just want him in my sheets.
some babies are born premature but I was born very mature I just came out and I was like so what
I lost my virginity when I was 15. It was smokin' hot until I bit her thigh and all the air leaked out.
If your afraid to leave your teenage daughter home with your boyfriend then you may want to rethink ur relationship..
The percent of pre-marital sex within the animal world is rampant.
I'm so old I forgot it was my birthday until I got the facebook reminder.
yeah, a dab will do.
or what ever fred flinstone said 