Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   * He claims he went to an ivy league college, and has an incredible vocabulary. To bad his incredible vocabulary isn't part of the english language.

   Me and BIG BIRD, going down to Sesame Street to see if we can buy the moderate a lie detector.

   Today's International Brotherhood of Manhood Tip: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

   If all other countries are fighting the Coronavirus, while Trump is fighting the China Virus. Is he really lying when he says he doing the best?

   200 degrees (that's why they call him Mr. Fahrenheit [he's traveling at the speed of light]).

   Why is Martha’s Vineyard so upset about becoming enriched by diversity?

   Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho! It's off to sleep I go. I'll crawl in bed and rest my head. Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho! Heigh-ho, Heigh-ho!

   The only true anonymous donor is the guy who knocked up your daughter.

   So a high school 1st year asked me if I knew the symbol compound of Hydrogen Sodium....I said NaH...

   Fun fact: Bruce Lee does not drink water. Instead, he drinks WATAA!

   My friend just told me that it takes three sheep to make just one wool sweater which I find amazing as I didn't even know that sheep knew how to nit.

   Remember at the stroke of midnight new years eve to lift your left leg, so you'll start the new year on the right foot.

   I can't stand little kids, I know I was once one. But seriously can't stand them...

   Went to a strip club last night. The women were super hot and the comedian was hilarious. I was laughing so hard.

   My wife was in hospital for a mastectomy, I told her to keep me abreast

   The real gems are the woman who knew Yoda before he was turned into a baby.

   bartender just now: the usual? me: you know it bartender: [throws me thru window]

   Always look on the bright side of life!....badump....badump....badump adump dump....Come on!... Always look at the bright side of life!.....

   The supermarket's completely out of bread and milk. What is it going to snow?

   Pro tip: If you have a cat and money is tight, bird seed is cheaper than cat food.