Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why hasn't Obama shutdown NPR and PBS yet? It's not like anyone tunes in anyway.

   going to opt for GPS on our next dryer. Should help locate those missing socks.

   Orange Man bad? Let him who is without sin cast the first ballot.

   This is 2017 -- we don't say Gingerbread Man, we say "light-skinned spicy gender-neutral person" bread now

   You know you need to lose weight when none of your towels fit

   In a relationship with Russell Stover

   "Welcome, you have no mail, but you have 200 spam messages from yours truly"

   Going to walmart with some friends of mine. Thats the best place to play hide-n-seek.

   just invented a new parachute for morons...it opens on impact.

   my life may not be perfect, my life may not be pretty, my life may have its ups and its downs. my life has its joy7s and its tears but it is my life

   Drinking beer and watching Nascars , People ask me what's my favorite kind of beer I tell am an open one!

   So if I get stopped by a cop in AZ and they ask me "Papers" and I respond "Scissors!", who wins?

   I want to make you feel like your the only girl in the world LOL jks I got ho's, in different area codes!!

   If Lady Gaga and Prince had a kid, they should name him, "The Artist Formerly Known as Alejandro"....

   ***Breaking News: North Korea missile test delayed due to problems with Windows 3.1

   Q: Why doesn't a chicken wear pants? A: Because his pecker is on his head!

   When I die, I want my tombstone to have an iPad built into it. So all my friends and family can write on my wall.

   If I could do it all over again... I probably wouldn't be pu$$y and make the remark "If I could do it all over again."

   I feel sorry for guys who are in relationships with one woman.

   Gary Hinman, Sharon Tate, Jay Sebring, Abigail Folger, Wojciech Frykowski, Stephen Parent, Leno LaBianca and Rosemary LaBianca. Hopefully their families have a little peace tonight. There's a little less evil in world.