Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Mrs. Doubtfire" and "The Santa Clause" use the exact same plot formula.

   likes to start every first date by saying "If this goes well, we might have a baby in 9 months".

   This make-up sex stuff was pretty good until she poked me in the eye with the eyeliner stick.

   Yo, be careful saying "elephant in the room", I'm from Africa and that just scared the s h I t out of me.

   The Lannisters send their regards.

   Best part bout your girlfriend also being your best friend is that she won't dump you when she walks in on you sleeping with her best friend.

   i took my dog for a walk, and well, long story short anyone know how to get silly putty out of a keyhole

   Girl Gamers are the most misjudge characters ever. Guys sees them as Goddesses, industry sees them as Barbie-Wii Mario-Bros chicks, parents sees them as boys, girls sees em as Fatty Emos, when they just are girls with controllers trying to be badasses!

   What if were all dead and this is our hell?

   My kids call themselves changing their rooms around. All they did was move the t.v

   Jigsaw - someone who when there is a problem goes to pieces :)...

   In a sad blow to the pervs and rapists, A judge orders no more tent pitching on Wall Street.

   Someone really screwed over that Adele Chick! Can you say stalker!

   Now appearing on center stage..the sweet...the delicious...miss Candy Cane.

   Dad: Do you drink...? Son: Are you asking me? OR...are you offering me?

   "You moved the headstones but you never moved the chicken bones!!" (Poultrygeist)

   I'm just letting life pull me down, and patiently waiting for my great slinghot experience!..RJ

   I have to show her I can hate her before I show her I can love her

   3 Year Old: Mommy, was daddy ever inside you like I was? Wife: Yes. But only for a minute... two tops. Me: ...

   what? sorry, I can't hear you over the sound of me not giving a f***.