Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Get fat with me so I know it's real.

   Nothing is better than watching a woman getting in touch with herself. Especially if she lets me watch

   BBM is just a support group for people who can't afford an iPhone.

   I don’t understand what this pen was doing in my pocket but it looks like it enjoyed itself, it even came.

   I enjoy listening to Ice cube in the summer. He's very refreshing.

   You know you're married to a goddamn redneck when you're making chicken gizzards and hog jowl for supper.

   Computer technology used to be a lot tougher. Back when I was a teenager, mice had balls.

   I always do things for the wrong reason. Like, watch the World Series for the organ music interludes.

   The only way to be the best husband or boyfriend in the world is by listening and not talking.

   with friends like these..who needs enemas?

   I'm wondering if my mail order bride from the middle east comes with a bang?

   Dear Men. When a woman is upset, don't ask her what's wrong, but for GODS sake don't not ask her what's wrong either. Hope this helps.

   Some people were dropped as a baby, but you were clearly thrown at a wall.

   I just want to say "MERRY CHRISTMAS" to everyone, well everyone but you. I shaved my nutz for you and you just left me to die a VIRGIN!!

   "Mrs. Doubtfire" and "The Santa Clause" use the exact same plot formula.

   likes to start every first date by saying "If this goes well, we might have a baby in 9 months".

   This make-up sex stuff was pretty good until she poked me in the eye with the eyeliner stick.

   Yo, be careful saying "elephant in the room", I'm from Africa and that just scared the s h I t out of me.

   The Lannisters send their regards.

   Best part bout your girlfriend also being your best friend is that she won't dump you when she walks in on you sleeping with her best friend.