Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Then you aint to proud to clean up some oil are you? o btw I hope you choke on a crumpet

   woke up my wife this morning. She started feeling my face with her eyes closed. I asked her what she's doing and she said "Looking for the off button."

   Tried to log into my WellsFargo.com account with my MILF-Hunter.com password. Oh, whatever, like you never did that!

   I'm totally over LOST. I don't even care anymore. I don't miss it at all. Do you want to drive by LOST's house and see if it's home?

   I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'

   I wish more people would put their highways up for adoption. So many people want one and are unable to have their own.

   was out side working and this clear salty liquid started coming out of my skin every where... I may need a Doctor... I think I may be melting..

   was looking through my wallet and found the condom I had in there has a hole poked in it...touche gas station attendant

   Why is everything that goes by water “car”go and everything by land is “ship”ment!

   I woke up in the middle of the night feeling like P. Diddy but it wore of by the morning,

   Setting a trap for the tooth fairy. chalk, string, duct tape and a little dynamite. theif should of gave me more than $1 for my tooth.....she's toast.

   : now with 25% more vitamin C

   busy trying to back up his hard drive but is having a difficult time figuring how to shift it in reverse.

   "No I'm not a Jonas, brother I'm a grown up. No I'm not a virgin I use my cahonas." Jay-Z

   The statue of liberty turned 140 today. When asked how she feels, miss liberty replied "I'm fine!"

   There are soo many Rainbows on Facebook I can taste it- Skittles...

   I think the guy in the stall next to me,, is playing tennis.

   ok i'm done with the ice bucket Challenge .... WHATS next ?

   Actually, Yes! I do want to see a picture of your Mother-In-Law Eli. Your wife is hot!

   It's National Beaver Day.